Off on vacation

Tomorrow we're off to Cleveland for a few days. I'm looking forward to getting away from here, though I'm sure we'll get bored fast out there, which is why we aren't staying longer. It'll be good just to get in the car and drive away. Unfortunately we have to return.

Got the kiddie an appointment with her new therapist for next Monday. I also requested copies of her records from the last therapist, which should be here by the time we return from Cleveland. I'll then run them over to her new therapist on Friday so she has time to review them before the appointment. Think things will go more smoothly if she has some clue as to what's been going on.

My own therapy appointment didn't go too well today. For months I've been able to switch the focus off me and onto my daughter or the ex, so I've had no problems talking to her. But today that focus shifted back onto me and I froze. I don't want to talk about myself. I know I need to, but it's too difficult. Though she didn't say anything, I'm sure she had to have noticed how incredibly uncomfortable I became, how quiet I got, once we began talking about me again.

She gave me homework, something I've lucked out on lately and haven't had to do because we have done so much talking about other people. I'm not sure I fully understand what she's asking me to do. Just prior to giving it to me she had asked how much blame I place on my parents for how I turned out as a person. So I think she wants me to list who I assign blame to for different events in my life. She wrote down the names of my parents, my ex and my daughter.

My name is on the list too and I already know a disproportionate amount of things will end up under it. I blame myself for a lot of what happened to me, even stuff most people would say was completely out of my control. I blame myself for some of the abuse I suffered. I partly blame myself for being molested. I also blame myself for things my daughter has done. For things my ex has done.

I think that's just what a damaged person does. We try to justify the tragic events, the negative events, in our life. We tell ourselves that if we weren't these incredibly bad people, then these things wouldn't have happened to us, wouldn't have happened to the loved ones around us.

All I see coming from doing this homework is my therapist and I getting into a heated argument. Her trying to persuade me I'm wrong for taking blame for some things and me refusing to believe that I'm not responsible. Is it really worth the time to do if that is what the most likely result will be?