Monday, March 26, 2007

Off on vacation

Tomorrow we're off to Cleveland for a few days. I'm looking forward to getting away from here, though I'm sure we'll get bored fast out there, which is why we aren't staying longer. It'll be good just to get in the car and drive away. Unfortunately we have to return.

Got the kiddie an appointment with her new therapist for next Monday. I also requested copies of her records from the last therapist, which should be here by the time we return from Cleveland. I'll then run them over to her new therapist on Friday so she has time to review them before the appointment. Think things will go more smoothly if she has some clue as to what's been going on.

My own therapy appointment didn't go too well today. For months I've been able to switch the focus off me and onto my daughter or the ex, so I've had no problems talking to her. But today that focus shifted back onto me and I froze. I don't want to talk about myself. I know I need to, but it's too difficult. Though she didn't say anything, I'm sure she had to have noticed how incredibly uncomfortable I became, how quiet I got, once we began talking about me again.

She gave me homework, something I've lucked out on lately and haven't had to do because we have done so much talking about other people. I'm not sure I fully understand what she's asking me to do. Just prior to giving it to me she had asked how much blame I place on my parents for how I turned out as a person. So I think she wants me to list who I assign blame to for different events in my life. She wrote down the names of my parents, my ex and my daughter.

My name is on the list too and I already know a disproportionate amount of things will end up under it. I blame myself for a lot of what happened to me, even stuff most people would say was completely out of my control. I blame myself for some of the abuse I suffered. I partly blame myself for being molested. I also blame myself for things my daughter has done. For things my ex has done.

I think that's just what a damaged person does. We try to justify the tragic events, the negative events, in our life. We tell ourselves that if we weren't these incredibly bad people, then these things wouldn't have happened to us, wouldn't have happened to the loved ones around us.

All I see coming from doing this homework is my therapist and I getting into a heated argument. Her trying to persuade me I'm wrong for taking blame for some things and me refusing to believe that I'm not responsible. Is it really worth the time to do if that is what the most likely result will be?


Blogger James said...

I hope you have fun. I love road trips. I know what you mean when you say you love to jump in the car and just drive.

6:30 PM, March 26, 2007  
Anonymous jane said...

I think it will be worth it if you go in with an open mind & listen to what she says. Consider that it might be true. That certainly can't hurt, right?

I hope you have a wonderful & safe trip. :)

7:53 PM, March 26, 2007  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Yes, I agree - a damaged person does try to justify all the negative events in our lives by blaming it all on ourselves. We see ourselves as bad, as worthless, as undeserving of anything good. It's easy to blame ourselves when all our lives we've been taught that everything is our fault.

I think the assignment your T gave you is an interesting one. I hope you give it a shot and go in there next week ready to talk about it openly and honestly.

I think that we have to be truly open and honest with our T for them to be able to be helpful to us. As long as we are deceiving others, we are also deceiving ourselves. I'm NOT saying that YOU are deceiving anyone. I'm just saying I find that if i hide things from my T, I know I will never get the help that I need.

Hope that makes sense. I could be blabbing on a bit here. Sorry.

Enjoy your road trip. I love road trips. It IS great to just get in the car and drive off.

Polar Bear

8:59 PM, March 26, 2007  
Blogger Sid said...

Yeah, it's great to be on the road. Wish the sunny, warm weather we had the last two days would be coming with us, but it's supposed to be rainy tomorrow in Ohio.

I know I need to open my mind and listen to what my therapist has to say. It's just hard to believe the things she's telling me when they are so contradictory to what I've been told & taught throughout my life. I will do the homework though.

What you said does make sense and I agree about deceiving myself. It's kind of the same lesson I've been trying to teach my daughter, that when she lies to other people about who she is and what she does, she's really lying to herself. Luckily I have an extra week to work on this homework cuz my T is on vacation next week. When she returns we're switching the day we meet from Monday to Thursday, so that also buys a couple of extra days.

11:43 PM, March 26, 2007  

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