The three year mark

After reading a recent post someone made about disability, I've been unable to shake this feeling of dread and anxiousness that I know will only continue to grow and fester until I'm so consumed by it I'll be rendered immobile again. Even if I don't want it to, this is the type of situation that brings on such great stress that I will worry about it until I'm absolutely positive that the end result will not effect me negatively.

Since the government views mental illness as something a person could potentially recover from, they review those cases every three years to determine if the individual still qualifies as disabled. I started receiving benefits in April of 2004 which means I've just about reached that three year mark.

I'm already panicking. I know I'm not well enough to return to work yet, not even close, but will they see that? Will my medical records be enough for them to make that determination again or will I be subjected to seeing one of their doctors? Will there be other hoops I'll need to jump through that I didn't have to the first time around?

There are a thousand questions rampaging through my mind and since there isn't a single answer, all it's doing is making me so anxious I feel like I can't breathe. Even trying to tell myself things like "I can't predict the future" or "I haven't even received a letter yet letting me know I'm up for review so why worry about it now" does nothing to quell the fear rising inside.

On top of all I'm dealing with right now, this couldn't have come at a worse time. But that's how my life has always gone. When I'm stuck in a pile of shit, more gets dumped on until I'm suffocating. I know this disability worrying is self-induced, jumping the gun shit, but it has the very real potential of becoming actual shit any day now; and that scares the shit out of me!