Saturday, March 10, 2007

The three year mark

After reading a recent post someone made about disability, I've been unable to shake this feeling of dread and anxiousness that I know will only continue to grow and fester until I'm so consumed by it I'll be rendered immobile again. Even if I don't want it to, this is the type of situation that brings on such great stress that I will worry about it until I'm absolutely positive that the end result will not effect me negatively.

Since the government views mental illness as something a person could potentially recover from, they review those cases every three years to determine if the individual still qualifies as disabled. I started receiving benefits in April of 2004 which means I've just about reached that three year mark.

I'm already panicking. I know I'm not well enough to return to work yet, not even close, but will they see that? Will my medical records be enough for them to make that determination again or will I be subjected to seeing one of their doctors? Will there be other hoops I'll need to jump through that I didn't have to the first time around?

There are a thousand questions rampaging through my mind and since there isn't a single answer, all it's doing is making me so anxious I feel like I can't breathe. Even trying to tell myself things like "I can't predict the future" or "I haven't even received a letter yet letting me know I'm up for review so why worry about it now" does nothing to quell the fear rising inside.

On top of all I'm dealing with right now, this couldn't have come at a worse time. But that's how my life has always gone. When I'm stuck in a pile of shit, more gets dumped on until I'm suffocating. I know this disability worrying is self-induced, jumping the gun shit, but it has the very real potential of becoming actual shit any day now; and that scares the shit out of me!


Blogger Barb said...

Sid, I am so sorry that I partially triggered your current anxiety. I would feel exactly the same way, even if I hadn't even received the letter.

I wish there was something I could say or do to help, but maybe we can finally get together for coffee? Thanks to the ECT, I'm finally able to get out of the house and drive places and do a few errands on my own.

You know, I read a post on Friday about the blogger's upcoming new design and she jokingly (I know this, because she and I are friends and talk on the phone and stuff), referred to herself as either certifiably or permanently insane. She, too, is on disability.

For me, however, I was depressed and agitated the rest of that night until I talked to my sister yesterday morning. It made me feel that I'm permanently crazy, certifiably insane, plain old insane, period, because I'm on permanent disability.

My sister said that it just means I'm disabled, not insane. She pointed out that our mother, however, is insane and the only reason she isn't certifiably so is because she's probably too scared to see a doctor because she knows they'll lock her up! I had to laugh, and after discussing our mother's dysfunctionally insane behavior, I felt a lot better. :)

11:47 AM, March 11, 2007  
Blogger anna said...

Feelings like that are similiar to slowly being strangled. At least that's what I feel like whenever I have them.

My mother receives disability so I'm familiar with what she goes through with in dealing with them. It's awful. It's what made me decide not to attempt getting SSI for Alexander's disability, seemed like too much trouble and a huge invasion to our privacy.

Stay strong.

2:05 PM, March 11, 2007  
Anonymous jane said...

I had my 3 year review in 2005 & they did nothing. I think I had to fill out a simple paper, that's it. They said they were extending it to 2008. Simple as that. So I wouldn't worry.

4:50 PM, March 12, 2007  

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