It still continues

I'm now having even more serious reservations about the whole trip to Jersey...plus the trip to Cleveland, and even the concert we're going to on the 17th in Milwaukee. If I could cancel them all or at least take someone else I would because my daughter is not my favorite person right now.

That probably comes off as pretty mean. It's her actions that I can't stand, but since her actions are a reflection of who she's become as a person, it's hard to separate the two. My disappointment with her habitual lying is growing and it's getting harder and harder to not let that have an effect on how much I love her, how I interact with her.

Early Friday, at around 1 am, I downloaded a program that logs AIM chats since unlike Yahoo Messenger, there isn't an option to automatically log all chats on AIM. I just did the 10-day free trial since I was really hoping that after being confronted about the lying a few times and starting in therapy that she'd changed her ways. I really hate spying on my child, especially at her age where she's supposed to begin gaining her freedom, but her actions have left me with little choice but to monitor her.

Nothing's changed, it still continues. She's still caught up in this web of lies and deceit that, upon reading them, make me feel as if my heart has been ripped out. Upon reading the first chat logged from Friday afternoon (they had no school that day), I almost got excited when it appeared that she had found a way to get away from the alcohol loving, party girl image she had been portraying. While she used a lie to cover up the first lie, it seemed like she gave herself an out by explaining that she had gotten really sick from drinking too much and has vowed not to ever drink again. She was even telling him he shouldn't drink so much. But that excitement was very short lived when other lies came into the picture as I read on through the weekend logs.

Apparently she's been telling this guy she has an eating disorder. She lies and says she either hasn't eaten at all or has puked after she's eaten because "I hate the feeling of having food in me". This is a new one on me and I have no idea if she's been telling anyone else this one.

She's continuing to give the impression that she hates her dad, saying that she spent time with him, but would rather be at home "the lesser or two evils". She's also giving the impression that she doesn't really get along that well with me either, that the relationship we have is on "her terms". She explained that as meaning we get along only if I don't know about her and her "boyfriend". In reality, it means as long as I don't know about all the bullshit lies she's telling people.

She made it seem like I make her life a living hell when I find things out, which is so far from the truth I broke into tears. I know she's only saying that to cover up the fact she got herself in trouble by lying and that she's embarrassed as hell that she got caught, stuff she is too afraid to reveal to him because that means coming clean about all the lies she's told him, but it still hurt to be blamed. All I've done is tried to help her. We haven't fought once over any of this, we have civil conversations. Sure she's been grounded and lost her internet privileges, but she didn't argue once with me about it. She knew she was in the wrong and seemed to accept her punishment.

Then there were the sexual conversations, with her being the sexually aggressive one. These completely blew me away because this is not something you want to see your child doing, particularly not at 15. Talking about her perverse dreams of giving him a blowjob or having sex with him. Asking him if he's ever looked down her shirt and saying that she wishes she had the opportunity to look down his pants. Asked him when was the last time he had a boner. I guess one night she even texted him, said she was naked and getting in the shower and that she wished he was there with her.

She claims to have this hyper sex drive and says she's perfectly comfortable with her sexuality, "even if others might think I'm a whore". I was surprised by his reaction to all of it. While he is a guy and yeah he did like her talking about this stuff, he didn't add anything to the conversation. Said he was really shy about that kind of stuff. Even when she said he could ask her anything sexual, he simply said that "nothing's going to come to mind any time soon, I'm not that way".

After talking with my therapist about all this today, I decided to confront her yet again after school. I'd thought about waiting til Thursday so that I could bring it up with her therapist first and get her feedback. I also wanted to see if the kidlet would mention anything to her "boyfriend" about therapy, though I'm guessing she probably hasn't mentioned she goes each Wednesday. But this was eating away at me and I knew I couldn't hold it in for another three days.

I started by asking if there was anything she wanted to come clean to me about. When she feigned stupidity as to what I could possibly be referring to, I brought up specifics and she instantly kicked into guilty mode. She knew she was busted again. I then gave her two options before we continued the conversation. I said she could either call her "boyfriend" and come clean to him or she could turn over her cellphone and also lose her internet privileges indefinitely. She wouldn't answer, but I already knew she wouldn't make the call.

After we got to talking I did ask if she lies to people like this in person and she said no, she's more likely to do it online or thru text messages. Once she said that, I told her to turn over her phone. Said I didn't want to have to take it away or forbid her from using the computer, but she replied that it was probably what she needed and was for the best. I don't believe her when she says she doesn't lie to her friend's faces because there were two instances this past weekend where she lied directly to my face with a big grin on hers, and had I not already known the truth, I might have believed her lies. After the second one on Sunday I even said to her that she was turning into one hell of a liar.

As we were talking I finally did get some reasons behind why she's been lying instead of her past insistence that she didn't know why she does it. This time she revealed that she's lied so much she actually believes some of them. That she's so wrapped up in these lies that she doesn't know how to untangle herself from them so she continues telling them.

She also said that some of her lies, like saying she cuts and has an eating disorder, she only says because some of her friends have problems with those and she thinks they will stop talking to her, that they'll tell her she doesn't understand if she doesn't tell them she does them as well. I did ask her if she knew what sympathy and empathy were, and she clearly defined both. So I tried explaining that by utilizing those, she could let her friends know she actually does understand and is there willing to help them anyway she can, instead of lying about doing those things herself.

Tried to explain to her that every time she lies to someone else, she's really lying to herself. She's at the age where she's trying to figure out who she is but if everything she's telling people is false, she will end up with no self identity whatsoever.

She doesn't think her therapist understands the severity of the problem, so I made some notes to bring with on Wednesday. Wrote down the reasons she finally revealed to me about why she does this. I assured her that I would convey the seriousness of all this. That this isn't just a case of a kid with an overactive imagination that is bringing some fantasy thoughts over into her reality, it's a much deeper problem than that. Told her that if we still didn't feel her therapist was getting it, then we'd ask to see someone else.

We talked for quite awhile and then I gave her some homework. On a piece of paper I made two columns and asked her to list what her likes and dislikes are in general. From liking music and writing to hating bugs and living with her grandparents. Just to be honest and list as many things as she could. On the backside of the paper I did another two columns. On that side I asked her to list her likes and dislikes when it came to characteristics of other people. Did she like honest people? Did she hate gossipers? Stuff like that.

Told her these things were important in helping her with her self identity, in figuring out who she is and/or wants to be. Said that the characteristics she finds she likes or expects in others should be ones she exhibits herself. Tried to explain that it was important to determine these things, both her likes and the characteristics she finds important and to not be willing to compromise them for anyone. To compromise those would only cause her to hurt herself and deny herself the happiness she truly deserves.

To hopefully get her on the road to honesty, as I tucked her in for bed, I told her that she had the opportunity to start making things right first thing in the morning. I know her friends are gonna ask why she wasn't online or why she isn't answering her phone, so I told her that instead of lying to them to just tell them she fucked up bad, got in trouble for it and part of her punishment is that she no longer has access to those things. If anyone asks what she did she should simply tell them she'd prefer not to talk about it and leave it at that.

I'm really hoping she'll do the right thing and take my advice. But given her past history, I'm not banking on it. I do plan on investing the $40 to purchase the logging software so that I can continue to monitor her conversations if and when she ever gets to use the internet again.