Monday, February 12, 2007

Another hiatus

I'm going on another hiatus for awhile. I'm not coping with life right now. The stresses and demands are causing me to shut down, an option I really don't have right now. So I need to put my focus elsewhere, particularly on my daughter, until everything calms down.

Things with my daughter are continuing to spiral out of control. I'd given her back her internet privileges this past Friday because she remained well behaved while she was banned and didn't try to sneak online or even once complain about not being able to chat with her friends. Instead of being responsible though, she chose to continue with the lies. It's as if everything we said to her went in one ear and right out the other.

My newest punishment is the threat that if she continues lying, I will be in contact with her boyfriend and her other friends and reveal the truth. If she wants to play the angst ridden teen that hates her family, likes to party and is a miserable outcast, I'm going to guarantee that is the life she's going to lead (sans the partying because at the rate she's going, she'll be grounded to the house until she's 18). I hope it doesn't come to that, but I am fully prepared to take that step if that is what it is going to take to get her to stop.

I'm at my wits end. I don't know how we got to this point or how to get past it. She does start therapy on Wednesday, but I have no idea if that is even going to help. I've become so confused by what I see her saying to her friends, that I feel like I don't even know who my daughter is anymore. Is she the person I see everyday...the beautiful, intelligent, goofy kid that loves to come to me for hugs, loves to talk to me, still loves for me to tuck her in at night and has a smile on her face about 80% of the time; or is she completely faking all that and is really the person she's portraying to everyone else?

Despite assurances from many people that I'm not at fault for this, I can't accept that. I'm her mother, her primary care giver for 99% of her life. I must have done something that would lead her to feel that the only way to garner attention from others is to make up these lies. I don't know what, because this is definitely not behaviour I partake in, but something I've done along the way in raising her must have triggered her to believe that this is okay.

So until we start making some progress at resolving this behaviour problem, I won't be around much. I'll suffer in silence during the day, wondering what the hell I did wrong, and cry myself to sleep at night. I never wanted to fail my child, but apparently I have, in a big way.


Anonymous anonymousmom said...

Hi Sid,
I tried to garner from your past postings if you thought your daughter may have inherited any disabilities from you or your ex... but I couldn't find anything. I was just wondering if she had been tested for anything, since she obviously has the genes. I'm sure you're way ahead of me on that one.
Just wanted to let you know that, in my experience, kids are often liars and can become very troublesome as teens... whether or not mom is ill, or the kid is ill, or whatever. I know you're a good mom, unless you write only lies in your blog, which I'm sure you don't.
Hang in there, Sid. Your daughter needs you, no matter how much she thinks she doesn't. I'm sending love your way, telepathically... I hope it gets through.
Take care...

12:15 PM, February 13, 2007  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Take all the time you need, Sid. I'm gonna miss checking in on you, so I hope you come back eventually.

I know it is hard not to blame yourself. If I were in your shoes, I would too.

I wish you could believe that you are not at fault here. You did your best. Teenagers can be difficult and their acting out can be tough to handle.

I do hope someday you will look back on this and see it for what it really is, and that it is not a failure on your part.

Polar B.

5:47 PM, February 13, 2007  
Anonymous Sandra said...

Sid, you are a great mom I have 2 teens, it is a rough time in a kids life for the parents. Take care of youself.

11:08 AM, February 14, 2007  
Blogger sansanity said...

i know i'm late and that some other things have happened but i am reading as fast as i can and don't want to lose my thought.

if your caughter is lying and you want a responsible parent, look to her dad. he has trouble being truthful to keep his image and garner support etc. even if your daughter has little contact with him, i think that if his (like my dad's) is a symptom of a mental disorder then it could very well be passed to her genetically or it may be that she see's his coping style and perceives that it works for him and so she has adopted.

but as i read this post it struck me hard. i was your daughter. and even as an adult i still find myself making up stories to garner attention and keep myself from being blamed or to make myself part of the group as if i have had a shared experience.

i could very easily blame it on my mom and her anxiety issues. but the truth of the matter is i somehow developed an unrealistic view of how the world was supposed to be (families, me, etc.) and the lies were the only way i could create that. lies to significant others were to keep them from discovering (and thus abandoning) the real me. sometimes it was purely manipulative to get them to come rescue me or comfort me.

there were too many things molding me as there are your daughter. but if you were to add up the time spent with you versus the time spent with school and friends (because a chunk of "your" times involves her sleeping so you can't count that) i think that you are not the influence she spends the most time with.

10:37 AM, March 10, 2007  

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