Sunday, February 04, 2007

Nice long talk

I no longer know what to say. I've logged in to post every day since Wednesday and I've been unable to turn thoughts into coherent sentences. The stresses of last week are still taking a toll on me. I either can't sleep enough or I can't sleep at all. Eating is hit or miss because everything tastes like cardboard and as a result, my medication compliance is sporadic at best. My whole being just wants to shut down and remove itself from existence.

The kiddie and I had a nice long talk last Wednesday while we waited for her father to show up. Under the guise of "I need to get a tire repaired", he felt it was more important to see his new girlfriend first than to immediately come and address his child's behaviour. Removes all doubt for me about where exactly she got her compulsive lying habit from. It still amazes me that after all this time of them knowing I always know the truth, that the two of them think I'm am so fucking retarded that I can't see right through all their lies.

Part of the discussion I had with her concerned daddy and his new girlfriend, because that is apparently the primary cause of her continually saying she hates her father. In early January, he told her about this new woman he was dating and told her not to tell me. I'm sorry, but when did it become ok for him to put our daughter in the middle of a situation she has no business even being involved in? When did it become acceptable for him to tell her to withhold any information from me, the one person in her life that she tells just about everything to?

I already knew he was seeing someone just based on his behaviour of avoiding me over the last month, like I said, I'm not the fucking moron he seems to think I am. I didn't ask the kiddie any specifics about the woman, since unlike her father, I refuse to use her as a pawn. I did however ask if she's met her yet. Much to my dismay, she said yes. One Sunday, a couple of weeks ago, he insisted on bringing the new girlfriend out with the them.

Do I care that he has a new girlfriend? I couldn't give a shit. I do however have a really fucking BIG problem with him not making his daughter the priority in his life and with him involving her in his fucking love life. He refuses to pay child support and refuses to make any attempt to see his daughter more often than just once a week even when he has the free time. Why is this fucker inviting someone else to invade in what little time he spends with his child? Just how is he dating someone when he claims he has no money? Why does he think it's even the slightest bit appropriate to be forcing our child to spend time with any person he's dating unless it's something serious and the two are considering moving in together or getting married? He admitted to me himself that neither of those situations apply. No wonder the kiddie says she hates her father.

As for her punishment for her behaviour...she has been grounded and is no longer allowed to use the computer. Haven't given her any indication when she might regain her freedom though, because I think that is dependent upon her behaviour. Her father doesn't want her going out with her boyfriend any longer, but I'm not in agreement with that. We certainly can't stop her from seeing him during school and by telling her she can't date him, my concern is that she'd just try harder to lie and sneak around behind our backs because she likes him a lot. I'm more for talking to the guy, telling him what our expectations are if he wants to date our daughter and then giving them more access to each other as they prove they can be trusted.

With her full approval, we were all in agreement that she needs to get some therapy. Might seem like a drastic step to take over lying, but we think the lying is born out of self esteem issues. Typical for her age I know, but given her unlucky genetics of being born from two parents that both suffer from serious mental illnesses, and having other close relatives that do as well, I'd rather she got help now rather than risk things becoming a more serious problem down the line.

She also admitted to having some trouble in dealing with emotions, despite my best efforts to validate and help her work through them, and that it concerns her. If I'm not aware she's dealing with something intense, as was the case with the daddy/girlfriend situation she was told to keep quiet about and did, or if I'm not around to help her deal with her feelings like those that come up each time I go into the hospital, I can't help her. Hopefully therapy will give her the tools she needs to address these issues, either by herself and/or by giving her the voice to bring things out in the open directly to myself or her father, or whoever she's having a problem with.

As for my own issues with the ex, I did tell him today that I am looking for a divorce lawyer. Informed him that from what I've learned so far, since we've already divided what little property we had, are filing bankruptcy which will get rid of our joint debts and we're in full agreement on joint custody of our daughter, things should go rather quickly, with the longest delay being when they can get our case scheduled before a judge. We can even do a no fault divorce since we've been separated so long. We just need to get some kind of visitation agreement written up because I don't think writing down "he can see her whenever he wants" will be acceptable. Might be able to add that at the end, but I think we should first specify dates he is definitely going to be able to see her.

I also told him that with the divorce is going to come the issue of child support and that it will be deducted directly from his paycheck. Said that 20% of net income is the standard amount of support for one child in our state. Told him as soon as I get in touch with a lawyer, I'll get all the information I can and pass it on.

Now if I could just prevent myself from shutting down any further than I already have, I could be divorced and debt free by summer. Not keeping my fingers crossed just yet.


Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I think you handled things with your soon to be ex and your daughter really well. I hope you can keep your strength and wits about you.

Thinking of you,

5:13 PM, February 04, 2007  
Anonymous anonymousmom said...

sounds like you're getting it together... you are tougher than you give yourself credit for.

please take your meds! i know, none of my business... just worried about you.

10:52 AM, February 05, 2007  
Blogger james said...

I think you are right on target to talk to the boyfriend about what you expect rather then ban them from seeing each other. That only makes things worse as you know.

Also good on ya for suggesting therapy for the kiddo given the issues in the family, etc. Can never get help soon enough I say.

3:47 PM, February 05, 2007  
Blogger Cinthia said...

Sound like you and your daughter have a good open relationship. Even now I could never tell my parents the things your daughter has told you! Your daughter is lucky to have a mom who listens to her like you do. Great job, Sid.

3:00 PM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger Colleen said...

It sounds like you are handeling things really well. Glad to hear of someone that has a good open relationship with their daughter.

But... wow. You are going through a lot of tough issues. Don't worry though, I'm sure things will turn out for the best!

3:52 PM, February 06, 2007  

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