Tuesday, January 16, 2007

On the edge

Right now I am so totally stressed when it comes to life, particularly with my treatment and legal issues, that I am definitely on the verge of spiralling completely out of control again. Despite my interactions with my therapist, whimpy dick fuck and the other counselors that run the groups, no one seems to care that I'm having a major problem. Seems like they're all just tossing it off as typical negative borderline behaviour.

I'm sure I am displaying some major borderline behaviour, but that's because I fucking have BPD and am no where near gaining control over it yet. However, there is a cause behind my behaviour being exacerbated and I have tried to explain to them what I believe to be the two main triggers, yet I seem to get no validation, no support, no help of any kind.

What role are these people supposed to be playing in my treatment if I'm being left to deal with all this stress on my own without the proper skills to do so? I acknowledge that I need to help myself and I am trying to do that with the limited coping skills I have. I haven't acted on my urges to self harm or drink heavily. I've tried to distract from the stress in order to calm down so that I can tackle the things that need to be done. But when you're stressed on the level that I am, when you're being pulled in so many different directions at once, when so many priorities and expectations are being dumped on you all at the same time, how are you supposed to survive and handle it, particularly when stress is your biggest vulnerability, enemy and the main trigger that worsens the symptoms of your mental illnesses?

Despite all that I know I need to get done, tomorrow I plan to remain drugged up and in bed all day. I'm afraid that if I don't do this I will do something far worse. If I'm asleep, whether it's drug induced or not, I won't be cognizant enough to be stressing. I need this reprieve, even if only for one day, because Thursday the demands of my life get a little more complicated.


Blogger James said...

GOD it pisses me off that you have such incompetent, lazy fuckwits as your doctors/therapists. You deserve so much better then that.

I've gone through so many doctors (as I know you have). It's amazing how many cold hearted pricks are in this field.

It's seems a lot of the time that we have to stick together (those of us that are "ill").

I'm so proud of you for doing the best that you can with your illness. I know that you are trying very very hard and that is awesome girl!!! I wish that I could meet these people are that are "caring" for you.

I'd rip em new ass holes and then shove their heads up them and their notes up their original ass hole.

Then I'd cram their goddamn drugs down their throats and let them experience the side effects!!

Whew!! Sorry for the anger outburst but it really rubs me the wrong way when people fuck around with people that I care about. Especially with their health.


11:30 AM, January 18, 2007  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...


I appreciate your honest feedback on this post, and also the previous one about sex. It's nice to feel validated by someone. I know my thinking is often fucked up and I probably view situations the wrong way at least 80% of the time, but it's nice to know that I'm not always the only one that thinks a certain way.

1:52 AM, January 20, 2007  
Blogger Colleen said...

What you write sounds all too familiar. It's so hard having bpd let alone - trying to find a doctor that will truly listen to you instead of assuming everything is just because of your personality disorder.

I'm just glad I'm not the only one with bpd out there that has also experienced this!

Good to see someone else with the same disorder I have - sharing their experiences.

4:45 PM, January 20, 2007  

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