602

This is post# 602 for me. 602 times in nearly two & a half years I've sat at this computer and purged the crap clogging up my brain. There's no significance in this, I'm just putting that out there for my own use. As a way to consider if I really do want to move away from this blog. In some ways 602 is a fairly large number, in others it's just a drop in the bucket as the saying goes. It all comes down to your own perception.

I'm really confused about whether to stay or go. Upset by someone's hurtful remarks. Typically I don't let what other people say get to me, but this was someone I was beginning to develop a real camaraderie with. Shame on me.

The whole incident has only reinforced my belief that it doesn't pay to trust people. That eventually everyone disappoints, everyone leaves behind hurt. Which is why I've also been questioning whether it's even worth it for me to open up in group or with my therapist. I feel like I'd just be opening myself up to more pain.

But a part of me wants to trust. Wants to be able to have close relationships with people or at the very least with one person. I'm tired of being alone, of fighting through life on my own. I want a friend, an ally. Someone to share the ups and downs with.

Damn do I feel lost and conflicted right now.