Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The men scare me

The men in the groups I attend scare me and not in a "dangerous, they're gonna snap and harm me" kind of way either. I'm not sure exactly why I'm fearful of them. Maybe it's because the men outnumber women by about 5 to 1 in the groups I go to. Logically that doesn't seem right though because I typically get along and communicate better with men than I do women, so I'm really at a loss for what is triggering this uneasiness around them.

I haven't really talked to anyone yet except today when an elderly Asian man introduced himself to me. His speech is very poor, though not from having an accent, so it was hard to understand him. He slurs most of his words, as if he's suffered a stroke or something. When he talks in group I close my eyes to remove all other distractions and try to really concentrate so I can understand what he's saying, but that isn't an option when he's talking specifically to me.

A couple of the guys I recognize from last year when I did these groups; and one or two have actually remembered me which is surprising since I try to blend in and make myself as inconspicuous as possible. I wonder if they've done these groups continuously for the whole year that has past or if they took a break and came back. I hope I won't be doing this for a year.

Whimpy dick fuck kept me in the office for an hour & a half, so I missed my first group of the day. We were working on my treatment plan. Actually it was more a case of he was coming up with ideas for my treatment plan and I was just agreeing to some of them because the center will deny me services if I don't have a plan. Personally I'd rather just wing it. None of the other therapists or mental health centers I've been to did treatment plans so I have no clue what goals to work towards. I want to be fucking sane, that's my only goal.

My biggest issue with drawing up this treatment plan is that they want you to list multiple goals and things you're going to do to achieve those goals. He just kept coming up with goal after goal, probably at least 25-30, though I shot a lot of them down. Because I'm a black and white thinker, the whole all or nothing thoughts kicked in and I felt completely overwhelmed. I feel like I need to complete all these goals quickly and at the same time or else I'm a failure. Plus these goals seem to be in addition to the groups I'm already trying and the stuff my therapist wants me to do like exercise every day, work on getting into at least one college course in the spring or summer and possibly finding somewhere to volunteer at.

It just all seems too much too fast. Change is usually a gradual thing. You don't just jump in and rearrange your life, thought patterns, behaviors and everything else immediately which is what I feel they are asking me to do. It's as if they're setting me up to fail, to have a major nervous breakdown, to doom me from the start. Yet I can't figure out what their motivation would be for that. Maybe because I'm a borderline and they believe me to be helpless so they want to help me reach the end quicker?


Post a Comment

<< Home