The ideal

Been trying hard not to ruminate about the emails. I'm not upset about them to the point I've been crying or angry or anything, my thoughts have more been leaning towards what type of relationship I should and can continue to have with this guy. We had always said that if we did split up we'd remain friends, but given all the lies I keep getting from him and seeing his continued irresponsible behavior with his finances, I don't think I can maintain that level of contact with him, for my own sanity.

I think a good place for me would be somewhere between acquaintance and friend. Civil yet uninvolved except for things concerning our daughter. That would be the ideal for me. Unfortunately, right now there are two things standing in the way of me being able to reach that ideal. One is the bankruptcy, which I once again need to hound him about because he hasn't bothered to do any of the paperwork he needs to fill out nor has he bothered to call and get the credit report I wasn't able to get online. I want to get this over and done with already so I can begin rebuilding my credit.

Pisses me off to no end that I have to nag him to do his part because like I've said before, he was going to file in 2004 but never bothered to. As it is, we started filing this stuff over a year ago and it still isn't finished. Part of the delay was my poor mental health and hospitalizations, which I take full responsibility for, but this has all been sitting in his lap now since summer and he's done nothing with it despite repeated requests from me to get it done. About a month ago he even had the nerve to tell me he talked to the lawyer and told the guy it was my fault the paperwork wasn't done yet. I sternly reminded him that my shit was filled out, I was waiting on him to get his part done. Another month later, still nothing done.

The other obstacle to reaching my ideal relationship with him is the fact that we're still fucking married. I can only afford to do one thing at a time, and I have to finish paying for the bankruptcy first. And yes, I did say "I" because I don't see any money coming from this fuck any time soon and if I want to get it finished sometime in this century, I have to foot the bill. Sames goes for the divorce, if I want it over with, I have to pay for it. He benefits from our still being legally married so there is zero incentive for him to even bother with filing or doing anything constructive regarding that.

Someone recommended getting one of those computer programs that allows me to do most of the paperwork and stuff for the divorce on my own, but I just don't have the mental capacity to figure all that out. It was a huge struggle to figure out the bankruptcy papers with the help of the lawyer, I couldn't take on the stress of trying to figure out divorce papers on my own. I'm trying to achieve mental stability, not destroy the progress I've made so far.

I'll just construct a timetable for getting these things done and make sure the ex adheres to it. I'd call him tomorrow and tell him he has one week to get the bankruptcy paperwork done and get the credit report ordered, but he couldn't be bothered paying the cell phone bill, so the phones are shut off.

When I do get the divorce going and the whole child support subject comes up, I'm having the state take it directly from his paycheck. I'm sure he'll object and tell me it'd be easier and quicker for him to just pay me, but if I don't have the state take it, I'll never see a dime.

In other news, I finally got my head out of my ass and stopped listening to him about a Christmas present for the kiddie. Originally I had thought I could afford a laptop for her if I got one of these good deals Best Buy and Circuit City keep advertising each week. The only reason I even took on the idea was because the ex had promised to get the kiddie one if she got into the Academy and I hate when he promises her things but doesn't deliver.

Anyway, he offered to pay half, but he kept looking at more expensive models using his theory that "the cheap man pays twice" because something inexpensive would be outdated quickly and would need to be replaced soon. I finally realized that 1) there's no way he's going to have half of anything by Christmas if he can't even pay his cell phone bill; 2) I'm poor and can't afford to be spending that kind of money on the kiddie no matter how much she deserves it for being such a wonderful kid; and 3) it's not my responsibility to make up for his promises. If he can't deliver, he will have to deal with her disappointment in him and she will have to accept how unreliable her father really is.

Hey, I think I'm actually making some progress here! Yay!