Sunday, December 03, 2006

Socially illiterate

When people I care about hurt, I want to let them know I'm here for them. Often times though I think I just come off as a fucking idiot that should keep their mouth shut. I never was good at conveying my thoughts and emotions properly, which is part of the reason I have no real friends, no close relationships with anyone other than my daughter and younger sister.

Most of my relationships with people seem to have followed one of two patterns. Either I was the one doing all the work to maintain the relationship, eventually gave up trying and the friendship quickly vanished; or I'd make friends with people that had a very caring personality, eventually I'd become too dependent on their nurturing (aka became too needy) and ended up driving them away.

Up until high school I had many more imaginary relationships than actual ones. The real ones never lasted very long, so I'd talk to my imaginary friends. I wonder how many times I was spotted walking home from school in deep conversation with myself. I didn't do it when other kids were around, but never considered until just now that maybe someone was looking out their window as I passed by, amused by the crazy little girl walking down the street talking to herself.

To this day I wonder why no one ever picked up on how troubled a child I was, how socially illiterate I was, how retarded my emotional growth was. Actually someone did notice once, my kindergarten teacher. That's how far back my problems run. I myself didn't find out until I was about 20 years old, but my kindergarten teacher insisted I be put into what back then was referred to as Developmental First Grade. A special class for kids with mental or emotional problems.

Unfortunately after that, I think my academic intelligence overshadowed my emotional problems. That or everyone simply chose to ignore that there was a problem. I know they ignored it when I was a teenager. Despite all I kept hidden, there were obvious signs I was deeply disturbed. Blatantly obvious signs.

But that's all in the past now isn't it? Time to jolt my ass back to the here and now.


Blogger marie said...

Sid, I can totally relate here. I have spent a good deal of my life being isolated from the world. It is hard to "come out" after so long. It is hard to know how to behave and what to say.

I say something wierd or negative and people are like ok whatever. It makes me want to go right back into that state of isolation.

It seems that my only friends these days are my on-line friends. I am really thankful for that.

Please try and keep your spirits up.

10:57 AM, December 03, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:57 PM, December 03, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

hi Sid
Sounds familiar. I know I look towards people with caring personalities a lot. And yes, I eventually drive them away too. I kinda fluctuate between gravitating to people with caring personalities and totally isolating myself because I think that if I just stay away from relationships, I will be much safer. Relationships are such hard work for me - the intensity of the relationship, the neediness (extreme neediness). But my therapist reckons that my "lone wolf" attitute doesn't really work for me as I am so deeply unhappy and am sometimes so freaked out about being alone.

(By the way, I'd agree with you that until Google took over Blogger, there has been nothing but problems)

Hang in there, Sid.
Polar B.

2:02 PM, December 03, 2006  
Blogger James said...

Ah, memory lane. That road in my head is pot marked, unlit, cracked and pretty much has a "road blocked" sign in front of it lol.

5:41 PM, December 03, 2006  
Blogger Barb said...

Your post brings back lots of memories for me, too. I was obviously troubled as a teen, and not just the "typical" teenage angst. Even though my parents tried to do something about it, only because I was caught drinking in school, it was the era of "tough love," and the pdoc was a complete asshole. I'll just leave it at that because it brings back too many unpleasant memories.

3:36 AM, December 04, 2006  

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