Monday, November 27, 2006

Tempted to never go back

I'm horrified by how the new T treated me today and I'm so tempted to never go back. I don't know where the hell it came from. One minute we were discussing Thanksgiving and the next she's hounding me, demanding to know why I'm even in therapy. Why I'm bothering with it if I'm stuck and not making any progress forward. Complaining that she feels like she has to pull information out of me.

What the hell is this woman expecting of me? This was only our 5th session together, did she think I was going to be buddy buddy with her all of a sudden? It's not as if I didn't make it very clear to her on our first visit that I was stuck, what I felt my obstacles were and that I lacked trust so it would take time for me to open up. Hell, I put it in fucking writing for the bitch. She acknowledged it at the time but still said she'd work with me, so why is it suddenly a problem after such a short period of time?

I know she seemed pissed off that I didn't follow her suggestion to write a letter to my daughter, explaining that I wasn't going to provide any financial support to her father and how it would impact her life. I told her that I didn't feel it was right to draw my daughter into the middle of an issue that I have with her father. So she tells me that if I'm not going to stop giving him money then I have nothing to be angry about when he asks me for some. Excuse me? I hadn't even told this woman if I'd made a decision one way or the other as to what I was going to do about the ex borrowing money. Did she just assume that because she thinks it's best to cut him off that her word is the final say?

I was so stunned by her reaction that all I could say was fine, I'll learn to deal with my anger in that situation. Which really means I'll keep it bottled up inside because apparently she isn't a safe person to talk about it with. She's made up her mind on what should be done and isn't willing to listen to anything further I have to say about it.

At one point while I was being drilled on why I'm in therapy, I mentioned that I was there because my pdoc said I should go, if for no other reason than to have someone to check in with once a week. As an aid in keeping me safe by hopefully having someone to help provide early intervention if I start going downhill. Her response? How would your pdoc even know if you were coming or not? I said because he asks me and I don't lie to him. She said she could call him and tell him I'm not ready to be in therapy.

I don't know what the hell to do. If I don't see her, who do I see? Who's willing to help me on a long, hard and painfully slow journey? I'm trying really hard not to just give up right now but I almost feel like I have no choice. No one is willing to be patient with me. If I give up now, I'm giving up forever.


Blogger marie said...

I think it is time you found another counselor. She is not doing any good for you! They are there to support and listen NOT criticize you. Just an opinion!

BTW-I got your e-mail about your idea for the walk. It just so happens that Lynette is Native American and she was very impressed with the idea. Thanks a bunch!

Take care XOXO

4:00 AM, November 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that was a bad session. I don't blame you for wondering if there's any point in persevering with therapy. I've been trying to work out what her motivation for behaving like this might be. I could give her the benefit of the doubt and suggest that she's feeling frustrated, on your behalf, for the lack of progress and your continued suffering. I know my therapist sometimes puts his foot in it badly and when he sees the effect of his words, he admits that he was feeling anxious for me and mistakenly tried to help me make progress quickly. Please don't make any rash decisions about therapy. Maybe you could write down the impact of her words (without sounding too accusing) so you could discuss it next time? Hopefully she's done some thinking between sessions and realised how unhelpful her approach was, and isn't too proud to say she screwed up, or alternatively maybe she'll have an explanation that makes sense. As if you didn't have enough to deal with already! I'll be thinking of you. TW.

4:05 AM, November 28, 2006  
Blogger Eclipse said...

If possible, find someone else ... I wouldn't want to see someone who loses their cool when things "aren't progressing", when I reckon it's progress enough that you hold it together.

10:11 AM, November 28, 2006  
Blogger bdwb said...

If you don't feel comfortable enough to share things with her, then she can't be of much use as a therapist. They always say that the relationship between the patient and the therapist is the most important thing for therapy to work.

It may be that you two haven't had enough time to build a good relationship, but sometimes when heads butt from the start like that, it may mean that you are just not compatible and cannot work together without harboring any negative feelings towards one another. If the latter is the case, I'd definitely look for another therapist. If not, then I'd consider sticking with it for a few more weeks just to see what happens.

2:23 PM, November 28, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

maybe she was trying to shock a response out of you?

ofcourse it could have been a homicidal response and then she would have been sorry...

1:27 PM, November 30, 2006  
Blogger cheesemeister said...

Tell the P-doc you don't get along with this person. It's your dollar. Why should you pay somebody who tries to intimidate you?

1:16 AM, December 01, 2006  
Anonymous jane said...

Yeah, I agree with the others, you should tell your Pdoc. What a fucking nightmare! To this day I've never trusted a therapist or a pdoc (I'm not saying that in a good way) & this would totally turn me off.
I can't believe she said you can't complain if your daughter's dad asks for money if you don't write a letter to your daughter about it? What kind of therapist would want you to involve a kid? I'd definately tell you pdoc about that. It almost sounds unethical.

I hope you find a legit therapist that will be of assistance.

11:34 PM, December 01, 2006  

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