Monday, November 20, 2006

Stranger to myself

The posts of the past have more intensity to them. They're much more interesting than the ones I've done lately. The recent ones seem so...lame is the only word that comes to mind. As if there's a disconnect within my brain that prevents me from tapping into the creativity that shows in the earlier posts.

Could possibly be that all of them are lame, past and present, but somehow I'm reading more into the ones from the past. Seeing my own history in a different light than I was at the point in which they were written.

Again the focus is on the past and I'm unsure why. Could I be so uncomfortable in the present that it's easier to relive the misery of the past? I am having a very hard time distinguishing where I'm at right now, mentally and/or physically. Maybe that disconnect is real, a dissociation into two separate beings.

Today was riddled with very strange lapses in memory. Took 10 minutes to set my alarm this morning after dropping the kiddie off at school because I couldn't figure out what time I needed to be up in order to get to my T appointment on time. The answer was simple, I only needed to subtract an hour from when I needed to be there, but that answer seemed so elusive at the time.

I also forgot my T's name when I arrived at her office. I drew a complete blank when I stepped in the doorway so I quickly ran through a list of female names in my head, names I'm pretty sure don't belong to anyone I presently know, so none of them sounded like the right one. Luckily the receptionist knows me and asked if I was there to see my T.

After that I went to the pet store and forgot what kind of pet I had that I needed to buy food for. I could see forgetting to even go to the store, or going in and picking up other items and forgetting the food, but to forget what kind of animal you own?

Random lapses happened like that all day. It was like suddenly becoming a stranger to yourself. It's scary because it's foreign, this hasn't happened before. Sure I've forgotten things, but nothing along these lines. The oddness of it all is quite disturbing.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Yes, memory loss is not uncommon for me. I tend to forget entire conversations I've had with people, but I'd remember standing there talking - it's like I'm standing ABOVE myself, watching me talking, but I don't know what I'm saying or what the other person is saying. Sometimes I hear disconnected words which don't make sense.

I get increasingly frustrated sometimes when I cant remember exactly what I did. This vacuum in my head is sealed so tight...but only until it explodes, and then all hell breaks loose.

I don't know which is worst - the lack of memory/forgetfulness, or the explosion, when every emotions is jabbing itself in your cornea and trying to blind you completely and leave you completely overwhelmed.

Polar B.

3:09 PM, November 21, 2006  
Blogger James said...

That must have been frustrating.

The answer was simple, I only needed to subtract an hour from when I needed to be there, but that answer seemed so elusive at the time.

I have this very same problem often. Oddd.

I have conversations with people and sometimes the words don't sound right. Like a foreign language or like that teacher from the Peanuts gang movies.

7:16 PM, November 25, 2006  

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