Sunday, November 12, 2006

Need to let go

How do you get over someone that's permanently a part of your life? I have no idea how to get over my ex and having to deal with him on a regular basis because we have a child together isn't helping. I feel like such a fucking moron for still feeling emotionally attached to him, for allowing him to walk all over me. I try to set boundaries but only end up enforcing them about 50% of the time. The rest of the time I allow myself to be used by him.

I was in tears over him today because he just doesn't get it. He asked to borrow money again. Said he is trying to change and spend his money wisely, trying to take care of his responsibilities instead of wasting cash eating out and on other junk, so much so that he paid all his bills and didn't bother to keep any spending money for the week for gas & other essentials. Even said that he's trying to change because his spending habits are something that drove me nuts during our marriage.

He just doesn't get that it isn't about the money. Sure that plays a part cuz I don't have large quantities of cash lying around collecting dust, but I'm not yet paying rent so money isn't always super tight and I can afford to loan it to him if he pays me back. The problem is that he shouldn't be coming to me for anything and I told him that. Reminded him that HE LEFT ME dammit, why should he feel so free to come to me whenever he needs something? He claims he was there for me when no one else was, when no one else would take my calls and everyone had given up on me. Is he serious???? I know having borderline personality disorder and these other mental illnesses distorts my reality, but for real, is he serious????

Who was it that called 911 on my suicidal ass after he left me? Who came to my house on another occasion and drove me to the hospital because they feared for my life and safety? Who visited me during all my inpatient stays and assisted my case workers in coming up with aftercare plans? Who paid for my rent, insurance, utilities, car, etc. after he left to "save himself" as he puts it? Who let me stay at their house for over a week after one hospital stay because they didn't want me being alone at home? Who let me move in with them after I lost my apartment? Who helped me apply for food stamps so his daughter and I could eat? Who helped me apply for disability because they knew it would be a long time before I'd ever be sane enough to work again and because I wasn't well enough to figure out all the paperwork on my own? The answer to all that and more is NOT HIM!

I'm angry at him for some of the things he said to me today, but I'm more angry at myself for giving in to his needs and wants. I gave him the $80 I had in my wallet. He still owes me $100 from the end of last month. Cash that I loaned him while I was in the hospital, money that my folks had given me for my birthday. He told me he's going to start paying back that $180 this Thursday AND he's going to begin giving me a percentage of his paycheck for child support.

If it would guarantee I wouldn't have to deal with him ever again, I'd tell him not to bother paying me back. Keep the money and stay the hell out of my life. Unfortunately, the kiddie doesn't turn 18 for over three more years so I have to continue to deal with him.

I just really need to know how to get over the guy so that when I do interact with him, all these feelings of loss, guilt, sorrow, longing, love and so on don't keep coming up. Being mentally ill is a hard enough roller coaster to ride without throwing all these additional loops in. For my own sanity, I need to let go, but I'm completely clueless as to how to do it.


Blogger Maggs said...

The Mass Defective: Aw sweetheart, I don’t know what to say on this one! I wish I had an answer! The only thing I can say, which is straight-up textbook, is that if he’s a trigger then you need to remove him. Slowly. I have had to limit my relationship with my trigger, who is a very close friend, and it’s taken a long time. It’s a slow process. I wish I could offer more insight than that. : ( Perhaps the new t-doc has some thoughts on this? In regards to your other post with the hidden meds…wow.

3:01 PM, November 13, 2006  

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