Saturday, November 04, 2006

Didn't take long

It didn't take long for me to go back into crisis mode. I have this overwhelming urge to run away, as far away as humanly possible. I can't take staying in this place another day. Can't take being a breathing, living being any longer.

I don't know why this is happening. I can't handle this feeling. It's like I'm losing my mind minute by minute. I'm shaky and on the verge of tears. There's this immense feeling of drowning in a life I don't want to be living.

I look around here and all I see is stuff. Stuff I don't want to handle, stuff I don't want to clean up, stuff I don't want to own. Just stuff that holds no meaning anymore. I want to throw everything away and forget there is a life here at all.

Not even sure how to get passed this. Do I drink? Drug myself up? Cut the hell out of myself? Nothing seems like a viable solution. There is no cure, at least none that I can see. Actually there is a cure, the final solution, but I'm not wanting to go there.

I just want things to be different. I want to control my life, yet it seems so far out of control that I'm not sure anything is tangible. So I'm going to run away. Take a break from all that is familiar, all that is wrong. Even if just for a night, or a week, or a month. I don't know how long but I have to escape.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi. I hope your overwhelming feelings have diminished by now. I can really identify with what you're saying - I recently got a new passport because the urge to run far away, far from all the daily crap, gets so strong. Maybe a small break away would be helpful? I have to go away regularly because of custody arrangements with my ex-husband, but always seem to end up in a psychotic state at the nearest hospital, so I wouldn't advise being away from people for too long. Doesn't it seem like those calmer periods are just periods of waiting for the next crisis? I hope talking about your feelings in this blog reduces the urge to act on them. I sound like a textbook. Sorry. Take care. TW.

8:06 PM, November 04, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

hi Sid
Yeah, I feel like that too. Too much of the time I just want to run away. I'm not doing the things that need to be done. I have no interest in doing them. It's a self destructive cycle. I hope you hang in there. Glad to hear you have a new T. I hope she will be able to be a source of strength for you.

Polar B.

2:53 PM, November 05, 2006  
Blogger Pennsylvania Independent said...

I know what it is like to be emtionally unstable, which has caused me to be placed in the psych unit twice. It almost became a third this weekend, because my insurance no longer convers my meds. I don't want to go into details because it may trigger me.
But anyway,
Take care
Best Wishes! :-)

1:46 AM, November 06, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

Hi Sid,
In response to your last two posts…

First off, glad you found a new therapist! She sounds good. This is how I started off with mine. Very open and up front. And believe me, he DOES call me out on shit. It’s hard but it does work. I didn’t have instant trust for him. He had to prod me in the beginning. Just be patient. As for homework, eh, I don’t do it. I should, but I don’t. And legally, she can’t talk to other people about what you’ve talked about. So don’t worry about that.

Now, for THIS post…
I know what you mean. I feel like this a lot. Why am I in this life? I don’t want to do anything. I just want to knock myself out and sleep through it all so I don’t have to feel. If you need time to yourself, take it. Even if it’s an afternoon at the park. Or you could come to the Lou and visit me!! A long day trip!

You know where to find me, sweets…

9:34 AM, November 06, 2006  

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