Intrusive, obsessive

These last couple of weeks have been hard. The intrusive, obsessive thoughts of death have taken hold and it's been really hard to distract from them. They range from stabbing myself, to cutting the VNS implant out for fear it is more of a tracking device than of a helpful medical one, to longing to jump off the nearest parking garage, to overdosing again. Sometimes the thoughts involve doing all of the above within the same suicide attempt for no other reason than to insure lethality. Yes, I know they aren't logical, but they seem so invitingly calming.

If I can manage to refrain from acting on them in the meantime, I do plan to call my pdoc on Monday and let him know. I'm even willing to go to the hospital if he deems that necessary. I must be crazy.