Monday, September 25, 2006

Guilty

In addition to all of the crap I'm currently dealing with, I've been besieged by an unhealthy level of guilt. Mostly because I'm unable to get my daughter the medical attention she needs. On top of her knee pain, she's now experiencing headaches, which have been non-stop for the past 2 days. They are severe enough that she needed me to pick her up early from school today.

I'm so guilty that I can't help her unless I take her to the emergency room, that I want to cancel my own appointments. Why should I be receiving care when the one person I love, the one person who I'm supposed to care for, isn't getting it? It's not fair.

I feel guilty for not working. When I was working, I was always the one that kept the family covered with health insurance. It was my responsibility because despite my frequent job changes, I usually made more money and worked for companies that offered better benefits. It was too important to have the coverage that I wasn't willing to risk letting the ex handle it.

I'm guilty over the fact that I didn't apply for the All Kids program sooner. I was supposed to check into it over a month ago as a way to save the ex money because his employer was charging more than he could really afford for crappy coverage. I should have done that. Had I done it, she would probably have health insurance right now.

I'm guilty over having let the ex persuade me to move her off Medicaid onto his insurance in the first place. He was only worried about himself. He said that if he didn't put her on his insurance and she incurred medical bills, the state would come after him for reimbursement, something he learned from the bitch. Looking back now, it would have been cheaper to do it that way because she hasn't had any major medical problems until now. Just a couple of office visits for sinus infections and her 9th grade physical.

The ex used to tell me that I wasn't catholic, that I shouldn't be carrying so much guilt around. Must be nice to be him and be guilt free even though he screwed up and now it's his daughter that's paying the price. Guess I'll take on the guilt for having procreated with such an irresponsible person in the first place.

3 Comments:

Anonymous anna said...

Guilt is a warm blanket to cover up with. At least it is for me.

Feel better and realize you do better, when you know better.

9:23 AM, September 26, 2006  
Blogger James said...

Oh boy do I know about excessive guilt. I hope you can find a positive space but I realize that can be difficult. Sometimes all that I can do when I feel guilty is to keep repeating to myself that I'm doing my best until I believe it. :)

3:41 PM, September 26, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

James is right. It's so hard to try to find positive when we're depressed. What do i do? Try to keep myself busy. Or asleep.

8:34 PM, October 12, 2006  

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