Saturday, September 09, 2006

OCD or unrealistic perfection?

Yes I know, I only had the jellyfish header up for a little while, but I decided I didn't like it and it had to be changed. Don't ask where this stupid desire to constantly change this damn site comes from. It's probably from my unrealistic need to have it be perfect, but since I know little of anything about website design, I can only make minute changes. My real desire is to change the whole goddamn thing, but that would take longer than I have the patience for because I'd have to learn things as I went along. But rest assured, I'll get to it some day.

I've been told I have OCD tendencies, but that I don't meet the criteria for the diagnosis. Guess the thoughts have to be so intrusive that they disrupt your daily activities. Considering I have no daily activities, I have nothing to disrupt by spending hours coming up with ideas for headers and changes I'd like to see on my blog. This wasn't the only one I made today, I have a whole slew of them waiting in the wings for when I get sick of this one.

The last several days have been a wash. I've spent most of the time in bed because I haven't the strength or desire to get out of it. I did start taking the Trazodone, and I think that, coupled with weaning myself off the Seroquel has made for the current set of problems I'm dealing with. The inability to fall asleep is the first one. I take the meds, which at one point would have knocked me out immediately, but instead I lie awake for hours desperately resisting the urge to grab more pills out of anger that the ones I've taken aren't working fast enough.

I have to then get up at 7 am to drive the kiddie to school, which is hard to do when you're medicated and the meds have finally just kicked in only a few hours earlier. I just try to focus on the road and keep my mind from wandering elsewhere, like back to sleep. Then I come home, eat a little something and climb back into bed where I'll stay til 1 pm or later, but always out by 2:30 pm cuz then I have to drive back and pick the kiddie up.

Exciting huh? I haven't been feeling well, I think as a result of the Trazodone, which isn't helping me to be productive. I'm hoping it's just a side effect that will pass, so for now I'll remain med compliant even if it seems to only be making me worse.

Right now I'm hating just about everyone, so maybe it's good that I stay in bed, away from the world. While it may be counterproductive to my mental health, it keeps everyone, including myself safer.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

OCD is a nightmare, it never seems to end and your never satisfied no matter what the outcome. I sometimes become so fixated on something that I nearly go insane. It could be something so meaningless and insignificant I embarrass myself.
My doctor said meds will help but I hav'nt noticed any change not with mood stabilizers, anti psychotics or anything.

I hope your new med will have an affect, I'm glad your trying something new cause your symptoms flare so much.
I hope your implant is working, guess it could take a few months before you get the full results uh?

Go ahead and stay in bed, peace and quite helps relieve stress. I have to stay in bed when I feel this way or just depressed, its the only safe havon where you your never bothered away from everything and everyone.
Stay there, sleep and relax and give yourself a break. Hope you'll start feeling better. Take care of yourself, get lots of rest.


1:57 AM, September 09, 2006  
Anonymous anna said...

I totally relate and you know that, so I'm not going to leave any kind of comment other than when I saw your new header, I did have to laugh.

Big huge hugs Sid.

8:33 AM, September 09, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

I tried trazodone. I love seroquel. I don't love that I gained weight.

But damn, it works...

8:44 PM, September 09, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

I use Firefox and it looks like the banner title of your blog got squeezed into the top of your post somehow. It's probably only a browser issue. Do you know which browser is best to view your website?

4:10 PM, September 11, 2006  

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