Stupid question

why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why can't I get better why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

I believe there is a point at which someone can become too intelligent, too logical in their thinking that it hinders their progress in any area of life. It renders a person too stupid for their own good as the saying goes. That, coupled with my severe black and white thinking, is what I feel is keeping me from getting better, from moving forward on any measurable level.

This was the topic of discussion between my T and I today, my first visit since returning from vacation. It started with my asking her about the whole borderline/bipolar overlapping of symptoms. To which she answered by saying that borderline is more about maladaptive thought patterns, about the rigid black & white thinking and the resulting excessive emotional responses, where bipolar is more of a physiological disorder, the brain chemicals are out of whack resulting in the various symptoms. This being the case, which I fully agree it is, let me just say screw you to all the "mental health professionals" out there that say the treatment for both is essentially the same. I'm sorry, but I liken it to saying the treatment for a broken leg and epilepsy are essentially the same, they're not even on the same plane. Just my opinion.

Which brought us to her question, why am I so hung up on labels? Because labels define who we are to others, whether we want them to or not, or even whether we believe them to be true or not. People are more likely to understand an actually illness rather than your thinking is just fucked up. Not that the strides towards major acceptance of any mental illness has come a long way, but people better understand that bipolar is an illness of the brain whereas with borderline, they feel you just need to get over your narcissistic self and buy a clue. If you had to have one or the other, which one would you choose?

I know there is non-acceptance on a certain level on my part. Not necessarily that I have borderline though, I can hardly dispute that based on the criteria. But there is a piece of the puzzle missing. There has to be more behind borderline. There has to be a root cause somewhere, a reason behind it; and I don't buy that it is a result of upbringing and being overly sensitive. I grew up with three older siblings always picking on me, I didn't have the luxury of being overly sensitive or I'd have gotten my ass beat by them every day. They also grew up in the same abusive environment and none of them have borderline.

I need the cause, or at the very least a valid, proven reason behind the cause. I need to have that answer. That's how rigid my thinking is. Without that, I don't think there's any way to get to a real, viable solution. Things remain as they are right now within the psychiatric community towards borderline, just a bunch of guesses, of hunches, of theories. I'm sorry, I don't believe in the unknown, I believe in proof.

Don't say it, cuz I've heard it before...they don't know the cause of illnesses like diabetes either. But they do know that your body is not able to regulate insulin, which is a valid, proven reason behind it and they can then give you the insulin your body isn't producing enough of. Reason = solution. It's a simple equation, though not necessarily easy to find either half. But finding a reason or a cause and proving it gets you 50% closer to a solution. I don't know, maybe none of this makes sense. It does in my head though.