Shit sandwich

One thing I hate, loathe is actually a better word to use, is when you're tooling through life and everything seems to be going ok. Then suddenly you get this slap of reality that demands you take notice that your life isn't allowed to go smoothly. Everyone of course experiences these moments, where some form of chaos enters their lives, but some of us get more than our fair share. I get more than my fair share.

I knew something was coming, but I had no idea what. I was too calm. Things were going too well and the one thing I've learned in my life is that I'm not allowed to have things be calm. It's just my destiny to constantly go through crap. My own crap AND crap that I don't even bring upon myself. Crap that hits me by proxy.

The shit sandwich I've been forced to swallow this time is my ex told me today he was fired from his job last week. Unfortunately, despite being separated for so long, his shit becomes my shit. Not that I want to make his problems mine, and I desperately try to keep as much distance from him and set boundaries so they don't, but in a case like this, I can't help but be effected negatively.

He wasn't paying child support, so it shouldn't impact my financial status and make it any worse than it already is. But that is just wishful thinking. I'll still take a financial hit for this. I will be the one that has to finish paying off the bankruptcy which has already taken a year to work on but still has yet to be filed. I will be the one he comes to when he can't find a job cuz he has no skills and as far as I know, doesn't have a valid driver's license. Do I turn him away and force him to live in his car when he can no longer pay rent? Do I let the cell phones be shut off when I know that it is his only source of communication, without which, finding a job will be next to impossible?

The more immediate hit I'm taking is one of stress. He was carrying our daughter on his insurance. According to the personnel manager, they terminated his insurance the day he got fired because it happened to coincide with when they paid their premiums. The insurance he can't afford to continue through COBRA because it's $600 a month. The insurance she needed because she was supposed to start physical therapy for her knees tomorrow. The insurance I had no reason to doubt was still active last week when I took her to see the orthopaedic specialist we were referred to, but now come to find from the ex's admission wasn't covered at all. The office visit, the x-rays, the knee brace and the prescription...not covered.

What do I do for my daughter? How do I get her pain taken care of? How do I help her and get her the medical treatment she needs now? I called the PT place and asked how much they charge. I can't afford $260 for the initial visit and $180-220 for each subsequent visit, especially not on my disability and not when the referral was for 4-6 wks of PT, 2 times per week.

I'm fortunate to live in Illinois because we have a program here called All Kids. It offers insurance to all kids in the state. But this will take time to get approved and I've already run into a bureaucratic mess on the first day looking into it. The online site tells me I can't file online. That I have to file at my local office because I receive disability and receive Medicaid benefits myself. But I went to the local office and they told me no, I had to fill out an application and send it in to the state. Calling the state to figure out who was right got me nowhere because they didn't have a clue.

Stress is one of my biggest triggers for decompensation and I'm decompensating really fucking fast. It's the main reason I can't hold down a job of any kind. I know I have to deal with this, but at the same time I can't deal with it. I can't remain calm and focused on what needs to be done. I'm not programmed to work that way. I tried to do that. Much to my surprise, that's what got me to the local DHS office today, but that just added to the stress. I'm like a deer in headlights when it comes to stress, I can't react. I'm so angry and stressed that I can't keep that focus.

My body and mind are shutting themselves down. I want to drink, I want to self injure, I want to escape from the stress in any way I can conceivably think of. Even the thoughts of suicide have returned. But I know that none of those are options. Somehow I have to deal with all this because my daughter needs at least one reliable person in her life.

It's his shit and I'm the one forced to deal with it. I'm the one forced to take on the stress in order to somehow protect my daughter. I CAN'T FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!