Love and affection

There's a widely held belief that as kids grow older they don't need as much attention. But the reality is, I think they need just as much, if not more attention when they're teens. They need guidance with the choices they have to make and at the same time, the reassurance that those choices are wise decisions. More importantly though, despite how they act in front of their friends, they need the love and affection only a parent can give.

Each year, actually each moment, I spend with my daughter brings me such amazing joy. To see the incredible person she's becoming and know that I played a role in that, it's a feeling I can't even describe. But with the joy is a deep sadness inside, a mourning of the love and support I never had myself. A pain so deep that at times I don't know whether to push her away or pull her even closer.

Being a parent involves so many emotions, emotions I was never given the ability to deal with. Fear, shame and anger are the only things I remember from my childhood. It's no wonder those same feelings haunt me so much today.

What I wonder though, is how I was able to move beyond what I had as a child to be able to give my daughter the close, loving relationship with her mother that every child deserves. Was it because I had never wanted kids? Was it because once I had a child, I wanted to give her everything I'd always dreamed of but never received? How did I know how to give it? How did I know what it felt like?

It's times like this I feel most guilty for having tried to take my own life. For being selfish, as my own mother was selfish for demanding our love but giving none in return. I know this doesn't mean those suicidal thoughts won't return. I know that demon is lurking somewhere inside. But for now, I just want to love my daughter. So if I'm not around posting or commenting much, you know where I am.