Friday, October 13, 2006

Biggest enemy

There are so many opportunities throughout the day to hurt myself, but I've tried to refrain. Instead here is how the past several days have gone....

  1. Get up & drive the kiddie to school
  2. Come home, take a mix of Seroquel & Klonopin, approximately 7-10 pills or more depending on how desperate I'm feeling
  3. Become comatose until the alarm goes off letting me know it's time to pick the kiddie up from school
  4. Pick the kiddie up and once home, take another handful of pills to become comatose until it's time to get the kiddie to bed.
  5. Tuck her in and take another bunch of pills to knock me out til morning

Not much else I can do. My fear is that if I stay awake I will really hurt myself because those are the only thoughts running thru my mind. I'm so stressed, so tired, so sick of being alive it's becoming unbearable again. Sure I'm risking an overdose by the amount of pills I'm taking, but I rationalize it by saying it isn't intentional, it's survival. If I overdose, it will purely be by accident this time.

What is there to do when all else has failed? Meds don't help, this damn implant hasn't helped, therapy gets me no where. How do you survive in a world where the biggest enemy you face off against every day is yourself?

3 Comments:

Blogger marie said...

It sucks to live that way with no end in sight. I have been there too. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

8:42 PM, October 13, 2006  
Anonymous Tea said...

I don't know how to help you, just wanted to let you know someone was reading and cares

7:36 PM, October 14, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

I hate days/weeks/months like that. I have to make a list to keep my ass moving, doing SOMETHING

8:41 AM, October 24, 2006  

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