Headache, tears & regret

Struggling with a massive headache right now. A combination stress/dehydration one which makes it more painful than usual. Haven't bothered to take anything, acting the fool. Sometimes I wonder why I'm so mean to myself. A rational person would take something but there's this force holding me back. Not sure how to describe it. Feels as if I have no free will to get up and go to the medicine cabinet. I don't know, things are just fucked up right now.

Spent the day in tears. Not sure exactly why. I know for awhile I was upset, thinking about the ex. Foreseeing the future and what to say to him if he asks me for money since he hasn't found a job yet. But I did my DBT skills and told myself I can't predict what will happen, and put it out of my mind. Distracted by playing games online. I thought it helped, but the tears remained.

This is a really bad time of year for me. Fall and winter always used to be my favorite, but not anymore. The first day it was chilly here my whole demeanor changed. It's the smell of the air, the coldness of it on my skin that takes me back to another place and time. Back to October 2003 and the whole missing persons debacle. Back to the plan I had to die on my birthday that year.

I wanted to rid the world of my existence so badly that I went so far as to destroy every picture ever taken of me. Cut myself out of my daughter's baby pictures. Out of my wedding photos. I regret that now because the last time I was in the hospital my daughter wanted to keep a picture of me by her bed and there wasn't any.

It should seem like such a distant time, three years have passed. Yet for as out of touch with reality I seem to have been to everyone else, I remember details. Little things, things even sane people wouldn't remember so long after the fact. Sounds, smells, people, places, placement of objects...they're all in my head as clear as if I were in the moment right now.

Just the smell of the air is all it takes to bring these memories to mind. But it's not just the memories I deal with these days. It's the regret that comes with it. Regret over having wanted to die and leave my daughter. Regret also that I didn't die and end my suffering forever. Don't ask, just another in a long line of contradictions.