Saturday, October 07, 2006

2 am

2 am and I should be in bed, trying to fall asleep, but here I sit...in front of this damn computer reading blogs and now posting on my own. Sleep has been hard to come by lately. The reduction from 400 mgs of Seroquel to a mere 50 mgs has improved my diabetic symptoms but has made it nearly impossible to sleep. I could take the Trazodone that I'm supposed to be on, but there is such a great trepidation each time I do that I end up having a major panic attack.

Guess I need to update the list of blogs I read because I noticed some people haven't been posting and others have disappeared completely. Hope everyone is ok or at the very least surviving. Could also update what I'm reading but that hasn't really changed. The Time magazines are stacking up again, think I'm 4 weeks behind, and I haven't bothered to finish either of the books by Dean Koontz or John Saul.

Haven't really bothered with much of anything. Just spend the days sleeping, watching tv or playing word whomp on aohell. Doing anything to pass the time that requires no effort on my part because I've got nothing to give. There's no life inside of me right now. I go thru the motions with my daughter, the only human contact I've had lately, trying my best to wear the "everything's fine" mask. Laugh when I should laugh, show concern when I should show concern, force myself to shower at least every other day so as not to embarrass her when I drop her off at school, etc. The only motion that has any meaning whatsoever is telling her daily that I love her because I know she needs to hear it and because I really do love her.

I keep hoping this funk will pass, and past experience tells me it will, but I wonder how bad things will get before it does. Will I end up back in the hospital yet again first? Will I begin to lose touch with reality and do stupid things like try to overdose again? All the mistakes of the past keep repeating themselves because I never learn from them. At times I try to do the DBT skills I've learned, to make things better for myself, but when you feel so dead inside, nothing seems to make a difference.

6 Comments:

Blogger marie said...

Sid, I guess we are both burning the midnight oil. It's 3:30 am here in Vegas.

I had a creative spurt this evening. I wrote a new poem. Please go to mariethepoet.blogspot.com to read it. Please tell me what you think. Your opinion means a lot.

Take care
xxxxx

5:38 AM, October 07, 2006  
Blogger Brony said...

I think many of us are awake at 2:00 am reading or posting.

Hope the funk passes soon.

4:08 PM, October 07, 2006  
Blogger Dawn said...

hey sid:
im glad you're still writing though. having no sleep sucks...big time. hope you're able to get some rest soon.

can you do me a favour? send me an email from your aol name so my new screenname (dawnmg79@aol.com) will auto add your screename? please and thanks :)i lost your info when i got this new name :(

take care, sid, and happy Columbus day weekend :)

6:18 PM, October 07, 2006  
Blogger ECLIPSE said...

It's an ongoing struggle, Sid. One step forward and several back and then another forward is how it seems to go.

6:04 AM, October 08, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Thinking of you...

9:08 PM, October 09, 2006  
Blogger Joel said...

It sounds hard for you, Sid. I was there not long ago. And you gave a kind word. Accept mine and do not give up.

1:19 PM, October 10, 2006  

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