Sunday, October 15, 2006

How to respond

Never know how to respond to some of the emails I receive. Don't receive many because I'm pretty non-existent to the world. Even the few people that try and correspond with me give up rather quickly because I lack the ability to connect with people. So what do I say to this?

You have got to be one of the most hypocritical and selfish
people I have ever come across. One minute you're talking about how much you
love your daughter and the next your talking about killing yourself. If you're
going to die, just fucking get it over with already so the rest of us don't have
to keep hearing you whine about it.
I guess some people don't realize the number all these damn mental illnesses do on a person's brain. Yes it does come off as hypocritical, but it is because this crap distorts your reality. A diseased brain can easily go from loving your child more than life itself and always wanting to be there for them one minute to thinking that you're destroying your child's life by being mentally ill and therefore they'd be better off without you the next. The kicker is that both thoughts seem 100% rational at the time you're having them.

I know that I have to be there for my daughter, I'm all she has. Her life would be ruined forever if I were to die and she was forced to live with her father. My guess is that she would either kill herself simply to get away from him and her pain, or she would turn to other self destructive ways to deal with the situation like drugs or alcohol. That's not the legacy I want for her.

But knowing that doesn't lessen my own thoughts of suicide. They don't magically disappear. The emotional turmoil brewing inside doesn't subside simply because I have a responsibility to care for my daughter. I wish it did, but this shit doesn't work like that. I constantly feel trapped, which adds to the stress and feeds the suicidal ideation.

There is literally a war raging inside my head, something I've mentioned before. If you've never experienced it, you won't ever understand what it's like. So continue to call me a hyprocrite, call me selfish. To me it's simply a reflection of your own ignorance and lack of understanding.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Some people just can't understand, Sid. I think you're doing a good job since you are still alive. And I'm glad that you recognise the fact that if you do kill yourself, your daughter will suffer the consequences.

Do take care
Polar B.

7:25 PM, October 15, 2006  
Blogger marie said...

Sid, Only people who are undeducated and unaware of mental illness would write crap like that. Try to let it roll off your back hun.

I too am terrible sometimes when it comes to keeping in touch with people. It happens only when I am in a state of depression. But that is what being Bi-Polar is sometimes you function in the world and sometimes (like the period I am in now) you don't want to leave your bed to face the world.

Just let that crap roll off your back!

8:11 PM, October 15, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well said! I would have been devastated if someone had said that to me. I'm impressed by how well you dealt with that. For myself, when I'm suicidal, I develop a kind of tunnel vision (or tunnel memory?). I literally don't think of my children. They cease to exist. That constant internal war is so exhausting, isn't it? It makes you want to do anything for a bit of peace. This post was inspirational. Thank you. I've been reading your blog (and Polar Bear's, who lives in my country) for a couple of years and have been silently cheering you on. You're way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Keep up the good work (hope that's not patronising).

2:22 AM, October 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, it's me again. I just wanted to say what I do when I feel I have no choice but to end it all - I tell myself to wait. Wait some more, and then some more. This awfulness won't last. Don't take any action. Just wait. And I think your pill-taking is perhaps your way of waiting. Please be careful that you don't overdose. I would miss you and your blog. Be good to yourself.

2:34 AM, October 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dont let the bastards grind you down
mental illness is a conflicted beast for me its,
part reason part insanity part indifference and part caring too much
be easy on yourself others cant possibly know what is your individual struggle

12:29 AM, October 17, 2006  
Anonymous Kym said...

Wow you did a good job at responding to that nasty email. I would have been so angry (or upset ... not sure which) that I would have flown off the handle at the writer.

I applaud anyone who looks after children while dealing with mental illness. It must be so hard. Some days I can bearly look after myself.

2:26 AM, October 17, 2006  
Blogger James said...

Hey emailer, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

3:56 PM, October 17, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

ummm helloo, last time i checked sid doesn't force anyone to read. the emailer is upset because you hit a truth for them, one they are too immature emotionally to fully accept.

it's what i hate when people do not realize that i understand the irrationality in my thoughts. but half the battle is just putting them out there. getting them out of your soul. letting them wither in the light of day and the beams of strenght from friends.

2:16 AM, October 21, 2006  

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