No ending

Today seems like it will never end. I didn't get the opportunity to come home and go back to bed after dropping the kiddie off at school and it's thrown my whole day out of whack. Had an appointment this morning with a medical doctor, my first in many years for anything other than a severe upper respiratory infection.

While in the hospital, my pdoc recommended going back on a higher dose of Seroquel. I did voice my concerns about the risk of diabetes again, but given my lack of response to most other drugs, we agreed that I'd return to the higher dose and we'd monitor my blood sugar. So I agreed to have blood drawn in the hospital. The results weren't good. I am borderline diabetic already. On top of that, my potassium level was dangerously low and my cholesterol is in a seriously bad state. Since I didn't have my own doctor, my pdoc referred me to someone.

I was reluctant to go in once I saw that the office was in a rundown strip mall, but I'm glad I did. This doctor I saw was unbelievable. She actually works with my pdoc in the psych ward, so she understands mental illness very well. She didn't dismiss my physical complaints as being "all in my head" like all my previous doctors did once they learned I was mentally ill. She also spent over 30 minutes with me, which is unheard of these days. After discussing my history and reviewing the test results from the hospital, she decided to send me for additional blood work. She's also going to schedule me for an ECG. So now I'm on meds to lower my cholesterol. It's stressful enough dealing with the mental issues, I really don't have the energy to focus on the physical ones too.

After taking care of that I had to come home and take care of business with Medicaid. It's such a bitch to get a hold of my case worker over there because no one has voice mail. If they don't answer their phone, it just fucking rings. Turns out their message saying press 1 for so & so, press 2 for this & that, is wrong and I got transferred to the wrong case worker. He was nice and helped me out anyway. Just had questions about the form they send me every year to make sure I still qualify for Medicaid.

I'm really nervous and panicky about whether I still qualify or not. If I don't, I'm fucking screwed. There's no way I could pay the expenses that Medicare doesn't cover. I don't get enough Social Security to cover the monthly premiums, co-pays and deductibles. Had I not had Medicaid as my secondary insurance, I would have been billed for over $15 grand in stuff Medicare didn't pay for so far this year, and that is only for seven months since it didn't kick in until April, and that doesn't even include my recent nut house stay. It also doesn't include prescription premiums and co-pays.

I know I shouldn't be worrying about it now, because I don't know what their decision will be. But just knowing there's that level of uncertainty is going to weigh heavily on my mind until I hear back from them. From just how I feel right now, I know I'm going to pass out if they come back and say I no longer qualify for Medicaid. I can already see another mental fucking breakdown in my future.

Getting really tired here, so I guess I'll write about the new therapist in tomorrow's post.