Just need some calm

Wish things could go smoothly, just once. I'm tired of this struggle after struggle just to make it through each day. Guess I'm just confused as to why things are so hard. Why there's so much more anxiety than there used to be. Why there seems to be so much stress in a life that really doesn't consist of much activity.

Tried the relaxation techniques I've been taught twice in the last 24 hours. Had to do them last night in order to let go of the fear about my Medicaid situation or I would have been up all night. Not sure if it actually worked or if my meds finally kicked in and knocked me out, but I was able to get to sleep.

Then I had to try them again today while on the phone trying to find out what the hold up is in getting the application for the kiddie's insurance processed. I got the same excuse I got a month ago...it takes 45-60 days to get it processed. They received it on September 26th. At this rate, she won't have the insurance until December or January. They tell me to just take my daughter to a Medicaid provider or hospital if she needs treatment because they will back-date the coverage to September when I applied. Unfortunately she has incurred medical bills from her ER visit and stuff in September, and having them back-date anything doesn't help with the stress that comes each time I receive a bill from these people.

I do call the hospital each time I talk to the Medicaid people, just to keep them up to date on what's going on. They've been polite and have marked on the account that I've called, but they said in another 30 days they'll need to either see some kind of payment or they'll have to begin collections. Guess I'll just prepare myself to send them $50 soon. Then if and when she finally gets the insurance and Medicaid pays them, they can refund me what I've paid them.

I have to send $55 to the orthopaedic doctor this month. That claim was actually covered by her old insurance even though the ex's old employer swore that his medical coverage ended the day he got fired because of when they pay their premiums. For now, I'll just pay the $55 that was applied toward the deductible, and hope that the insurance doesn't come back and say they shouldn't have paid anything cuz the date of service was past the termination date.

Anyway, I'm having racing thoughts something awful. So that's why I've been doing the relaxation stuff. Just try to do deep breathing and at the same time concentrate on one word, like a mantra kind of thing. My word is "calm". I just repeat that to myself as I breathe out. A lot of the time it's really hard to stay focused on doing just those two things, but they say it takes practice, so at least I'm practicing right?

Tomorrow morning, bright and too fucking early, I see my pdoc. If I remember, I can tell him my week out of the hospital went like this....saw the medical dr & the new T on Thursday, by Saturday I was in such a desperate state that I wanted to give up custody of my daughter and run away, cut on Sunday, been exploding into tears at least once a day, been having panic attacks more frequently than I did before I went into the hospital, haven't been able to throw away the leftover Trazodone pills that I promised him I would and the racing thoughts are wildly out of control. So much for what he said to me on Halloween about that being the best mental state he's ever seen me in.

The kiddie and I decided to save our money & we're not going away this weekend. We will however spend as much time away from home as possible. If things go as planned without any stress (we're doing our Christmas shopping), hopefully by the end of the weekend it will feel like we got away.

I really do just need some calm in my life. I don't think that's a lot to ask for. Not sure I can get that living here though. Just being in this place makes me feel so uneasy. I have expressed to the ex that he really needs to get his shit together and pay child support so we can afford a place of our own. He told me today that he's really trying to do that, but since I've heard that before I don't believe it. Of course I'm not so sure I'd have calm in a place of my own either cuz then I'd have more responsibility to worry about.

I really need a brain transplant. Anyone willing to switch???????