Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A blur

Didn't work on my homework at all today. Couldn't really tell you what I did other than change the header for my blog. The whole day is a blur. One of those where you know you were a part of it, but yet you felt more like a spectator, watching from high in the balcony.

I have no inkling as to what is going on with my brain. I can't even adequately describe how it feels because while I know I've felt this way before, it somehow feels foreign. I could toss out random words to try and convey what it's like, but the ones coming to mind are contradictory. Blank, noisy, confused, distant, irrational, ignited, hollow...all those things and more all at the same time. Whatever the proper wording, the feeling it's generating is a disturbed one.

The Out of the Darkness Community Walk is this weekend. I feel guilty for signing up but not doing anything to get donations other than putting a link on my blog and sending a couple of emails. I know donations aren't required, but it would have been nice to actually get more than I did. I could have tried harder and didn't.

Seems to be my theme lately, do it half ass. Personally I'd rather do nothing than try something and not give it 110%. When I don't do the things I want to, things I've committed myself to, then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm letting people down. Even if they are happy that I at least made an effort given where I've been mentally, I find it inexcusable not to give it my full effort.

I'm my own worst enemy, aren't we all?


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Yeah I couldn't agree more. We ARE often our own worst enemies.

Whether or not you end up doing the Walk, I think it's great that you at least have good intentions, and it isn't your fault that you couldn't give it more than 110%. We all have our limits, and acknowledging that is part of acceptence.

Take care
Polar B.

6:56 PM, November 15, 2006  
Anonymous jane said...

Don't forget that yesterday's therapy session brought up a lot of emotional baggage.
While I'm not a firm believer of this, I think at times it applies: I've heard it said that depression is anger turned inwards.
Maybe the feelings you were trying to stifle yesterday are having this effect on you.

Other than that, have you changed meds? Are you taking Topamax? (my personal worst)

When life gets too hard, just breathe.

7:54 PM, November 15, 2006  

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