A live recording

The following is a live recording of what it's like inside my head. The lyrics are courtesy of the song I haven't been able to get out of my mind for several days now, Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Reliant K. If only it seemed less confusing in my brain as it does here in print.

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and

How far back in time do you allow your mind to wander?

You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics

Is it safe to even allow your mind to wander without an experienced guide?

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state its ever been

Mine keeps skipping, like an old 45 that's been played one too many times.

This is no place to try and live my life

Sometimes it repeats the same thoughts over and over.

Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it
See that line, well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there, well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

Other times it jumps, skipping across the entire length of my memory. Moving so fast life becomes a blur.

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

If only fixing it were as easy as taping a penny to the arm of the record player to steady the needle in place to keep things playing smoothly.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

There are no easy fixes for a defective brain.

I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough

In fact there are no fixes.

And the things bottled up inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up

There are plenty of band aids.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart

But at times it's hard to find that one band aid that fits. The one that is going to stay in place to protect you and help you heal.

And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

I haven't yet found the right fit.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state its ever been

Haven't found it in the 22 different psychotropic meds I've tried.

This is no place to try and live my life

Haven't found it in the 25+ ECT treatments I've allowed myself to be subjected to.

Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it
See that line, I never should have crossed it
Stop right there, I never should have said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

Haven't found it in the VNS implant for which I underwent major surgery to have put in place.

Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it
See that line, well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there, well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

Haven't found it in the DBT therapy I've gone through.

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

Haven't found it in the many different therapists I've tried along the way.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

What happens when you run out of band aids to try?

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me

I think I'm still trying on band aids though cuz I'm still here.

So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change

Maybe with each one I try, I block the wound from bleeding out entirely.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Blocking it just long enough to change to a new band aid. Maybe that's a sign that these defects don't have to kill me.