Monday, December 04, 2006

When did it stop

I was trying to clean up this computer just a little while ago, removing programs and files that we don't need or use any more. One of those programs was Microsoft Outlook. I have no use for it, but now it's going to take me awhile to remove it. Why? Because this computer used to belong to my ex and he used it. I now have a stack of lovely emails written between him and the bitch.

They start at the beginning of October 2003, which I'm assuming is when he bought this thing and run through January 2004. Not sure why they suddenly stopped then because I don't think he was living with her yet. The kiddie was living with him at that time and still in school. Unless I was lied to about when he moved in with her, which I wouldn't put it past him to do, but that would mean he would have had to make our daughter cover his lie since she was with him. Just the mere thought of him dragging her into the middle of his bullshit is enough to make me puke.

Anyway, with the revelation of these emails, I'm curious to know when did it really stop between us? When did he stop loving me? When did things really start between the two of them? I forced him to move out at the end of July 2003 and just two short months later I now have these emails where they're spilling their hearts out to one another, swearing an undying love for the other.

Here's the first one, which was from her to him, dated October 9, 2003:

Usually, at this time of night, we'd be talking on the phone or just saying goodbye in person.

Tonight, we're not, but my lust and desire to be with you isn't hindered by this.

It only makes me miss the kiss and embrace that we share before you leave, or the "I love you's" before we hang up the phone late at night.

The thought of seeing you tomorrow makes my heart race, and makes it easier to go to bed now because tomorrow will come so much sooner.

I love you

A charming one from him to her...

Good morning my love! I just got home, and was thinking about you all the way home. I understand your need to protect yourself and your heart, and i cant ease your mind with words. I can only express to you whats in my heart. I have never known a woman like you in all my life. You are more beautiful than any woman i have ever known. Your beauty makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world. And your beauty goes far beyond your physical appearence, your beauty not only lies in your looks but in your heart and soul. Its in your eyes when you look into mine. Its in your smile, when you smile its as if everything in the world has suddenly been made right and nothing bad exists anywhere. The sun seems to burn brighter and all the love in the world radiates from within you. Your touch sends a shudder of what i can only describe as joy through my body, my heart quickens from it, and sometimes i feel as though i may just burst from it. The way you look at me sometimes is nearly more than i can stand, I feel as though i have never been seen before in my life, and you seem to only see the good in me. The way you treat me is so giving and never selfish, the things you do for me are clearly done out of the true goodness of your heart and with unconditional love. I could go on for just about ever and never express to you all the wonderful feelings i have for you. Just know that you are on my mind every waking moment and in my dreams the rest. I feel sometimes as though my heart may burst. I have seen and been through so much in my life. So much heartache and pain, so much fear and doubt, with the exception of (kiddie's name was here) i have lost everything i have ever cared for or loved. I feel sometimes like you are my reward for a lifetime of intense suffering. I know you are a gift to me, one i may not deserve. But i am going to keep you, keep you in my heart, and in my arms as long as i live. I will keep you, and cherish you as long as i live, and never take you for granted. i will love you the way you so richly deserve to be loved for the rest of my days. I will love you with the passion that burns inside me, a passion that burns brighter than the sun and all the stars. I would not have enough time in a thousand lives to love you as much as i feel inside, but i will try, every day for the rest of our lives!

My everlasting and unconditional love

Nice huh? Makes me feel like the nearly 12 years we spent together were a complete sham, that he never loved me. People used to say we were an amazing couple, that if anyone's marriage would last it would be ours. Maybe it was all just an act on his part. Maybe he felt stuck with me because I had gotten pregnant with his child, though I told him from the start I expected nothing from him.

He used to say a lot of these same things to me, even claimed to have the same "passion that burns brighter than the sun and the stars" for me (he's not very original apparently), but if he can just as easily say them to someone else, it negates any meaning they might have held. I feel it negates our entire marriage. I now feel like a complete fool knowing that I once tried to get back together with this lying, fake, asshole of a human being.


Blogger Barb said...

Although it's tempting to wonder when things really ended between you, I don't think any good would come out of going through all of those e-mails. The best thing to do is probably just delete the program. It's over, it's been over, and even though you tried to get back together with him before, you wouldn't want to now, right? I know I'm new to your blog so perhaps there's a lot of background I'm missing, but I think the best thing to do would be to just forget about them. The emotions these e-mails would dredge up for you just aren't worth it.

1:18 AM, December 05, 2006  
Blogger marie said...

I agree with Barb-Get rid of that shit and move on. Who needs him anyway (except your daughter maybe)?

Try to find someone else.

11:52 AM, December 06, 2006  

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