Just mundane junk

The scars left from the deep cuts I made while in the hospital have become quite itchy over the last month. I've tried everything I can possibly think of to put on them, but nothing offers any relief. While certainly not the worst scars I've been left with after attacking myself with a razorblade, these are the only ones I can recall having this problem with. It's as if my body has become so irritated by the physical damage I do to it, it is hoping to piss the hell out of me so that I stop those behaviours. Might actually be working too because it's been awhile since I last cut, despite several incidents that left me longing to bleed out the pain and misery or cut as punishment for things I've done that I hate myself for (mostly crap with the ex and money again).

This coming week could prove interesting or triggering...we'll have to wait and see how things play out. I'm wondering if I will be confronted about why I stormed out of the stress management group on Tuesday. Wondering if I'll be as stressed and brain dead as I felt this past week which made attending groups exceptionally hard. Curious to see if my conscience will get the better of me and reveal to my pdoc the paranoid struggles I've had with taking the full dose of Seroquel. Wondering if he will honor my request to switch back to Valium from the Klonopin which seems to do nothing for me.

The kiddie also only has two days of school left before the winter break. I'm a little nervous about her being here all day. Not that I don't want her to be around, I just hate when she starts complaining about being bored. That shit drives me crazy and makes me feel guilty at the same time. It's not as if she doesn't have stuff to do, stuff to play with, but she doesn't have the social life she had in jr high since all her friends headed off to different high schools. I'm hoping with school being out, those friends will have more time available to hang out, something that's been almost non-existent since high school started.

Received the first bill from the state for the kiddie's monthly insurance premium. This is for January and is due by the end of this month. It's only $15 but when you're basically living pretty damn near the federal poverty level, $15 every month seems like a lot of money. Plus I could pay up to $100 in co-pays for the year, that's $280 total out of pocket a year. I can afford it right now because I'm not paying rent, but once I get a place of my own, $280 is going to really hurt. It's also fucked up that they base the premiums and co-pays on gross income without making any adjustments for necessities like housing and utilities. When you apply for other state programs like food stamps, they make deductions for things like housing, utilities, dependent care, medical costs and then use the net income after these deductions to decide your eligibility and amount you'll receive.

Ah the confusion that reigns when the government sticks their hand in something. Suppose I should just be thankful they even have an insurance program to cover the kids of Illinois since most states don't offer such a thing. I do have one more thought on the subject though, before I let it go for the night....I wonder if they're going to send me a bill for $60 once they get their system corrected and back-date her insurance to September or if they'll be kind and only charge me the $15 premium for September since that is the only month she has medical bills for. I'm preparing myself for the $60. That's still cheaper than finding a way to pay the full $3,000 in outstanding medical bills.