Can't sleep yet again

It's after 1 am and I'm not the slightest bit tired. If this damn sleeplessness continues much longer, I'm going to either end up overdosing to insure I finally sleep or I'm going to end up back in the looney bin. I think I'm already up to nine stays in just over three years, can I please just have one year where I can maintain? A year where I control these gawd awful mental illnesses instead of them controlling me?

I don't even understand why I can't sleep, why the Seroquel isn't doing anything for me. Usually this dosage knocks me out. Now I take it and it seems to have no effect. I don't want to tell the pdoc I'm not sleeping because I refuse to take an even higher dose when it's already a struggle to force myself to take this pill as prescribed. I'm forcing myself to not cut it in half or into quarters. Trying not to allow the paranoia to overtake reality.

The anger from the other day has mostly subsided and I managed to get quite a bit done yesterday. Decided I could handle having the family over on Sunday for pizza and cake in celebration of the kiddie's birthday since I know they won't come over on Tuesday given that it's a school night, so I made calls to invite them. Got her cake ordered and made arrangements for my father to pick it up from the bakery on Saturday.

Talked to the state about finding a primary doctor for the kiddie and also finding a physical therapist. They're going to mail me a list of physicians that supposedly take public aid. I don't have a whole lot of confidence that I'll find someone from the information they're sending though. I read an article online yesterday about a father who received a similar list in December for physicians in his area (which is only about 20 minutes from me) and when he called the phone numbers the state supplied, many were wrong numbers, fax numbers or disconnected. Trying not to get anxious about it though. Keep telling myself to just wait and see what happens when the info arrives.

Made an appointment for next week to see my gyne. I'm concerned about that, but happy that the bleeding has finally stopped. The other day I finished off the pills they gave me in the ER to stop it, and so far it hasn't started up again. I have a strong feeling I'm in for another medical procedure. Not sure if it'll be a hysterectomy, but the ER physician (when he wasn't being an asshole) did find something that will probably need to be surgically removed while doing his exam, though he did say it wasn't the cause of the excessive bleeding. I'll spare everyone the gory, intimate details on that one.

After spending most of the day on the phone, I headed off to the local community college for a program that I'd completely forgotten about until I'd found a note in a stack of papers on my desk about the seminar for adults returning to college. I'm sure my therapist will be thrilled when I tell her I won't be able to take any classes until the fall. I certainly can't afford to pay for this myself, though I'm sure she will try her damnedest to get me to, but it's too late to apply for financial aid for the spring session which starts in the next week or two and they don't offer any aid for the summer courses. Hell, to even be able to get in during the fall, the deadline for applying for financial aid is at the end of February.

I briefly read through the brochure about the financial aid and I did find one disturbing item that I really need to get more information about. It mentions something about the fact that being separated is still considered being married and therefore the spouse's income would need to be reported. I couldn't figure out if that would only apply if it was our child applying for aid, or if that would apply to me too. It'd really piss me off to know that even though we've been separated for over three years, living separate lives, running separate households, my being able to get financial assistance might be in jeopardy because we don't have the money to get divorced. I'm going to call the financial aid office about all that later today.

If that actually is how it works, I'm calling the number I called for the bankruptcy attorney and seeing if I can get a divorce lawyer for cheap to help me get a damn divorce. It's something I should probably do anyway but it triggers so much rage when I think about having to pay for something I never wanted in the first place. But he has no incentive whatsoever to file for divorce. Once we file, he'll be forced into paying child support.

Looks like today will be another day spent entirely on the phone. Hopefully sleep will come to me soon so I'll have the clarity of mind to get this stuff done.