Monday, January 08, 2007

Tired & angry

I'm tired and angry, so this is going to be full of the word fuck, my favorite word.

Today was the first visit I've had with my T since before Christmas. I see her on Monday's and rather than pick another day of the week to reschedule the last two sessions to, I opted to just not see her. No problem there, I didn't miss her at all. No major drama came up in those two weeks except the group situation, which we talked about today.

Told her what happened with them switching the groups all around again despite saying they'd only made minor changes to the schedule. Told her that I can still do Tuesdays but that the Monday groups I was going to are no longer offered and I'm not interested in the ones they now have. Told her that I did go to the stupid group 'practice your skills' today to give it a try despite not being interested at all in it and after attending, I'm even less interested in it. When the therapist that leads it starts off by saying "we're going to do this a bit like DBT" and later says we're going to do a breathing/progressive relaxation/guided imagery cd, I knew I should have run right out of the fucking room. If I had wanted to do DBT I would have signed up to fucking do DBT. What the fuck is it with this center being so pro-DBT anyway? It's like they view it as the miracle fucking cure for whatever ails you.

She left our session briefly to get the new schedule for the groups since I didn't have it on me. Tried to persuade me to do other ones, like whimpy dick fuck did. I don't get what part of "I'm not interested in these other groups except the self esteem one which I can't do because of the time it's held" don't they understand? I think that's a pretty straight forward statement. You can't push me into being interested in things that I don't view as helpful to my treatment. I'm just going to get more pissed off and more uninterested the more you try to push the issue.

Eventually we got to talking about the ex and I told her about my plans with regards to him. How I expect him to have his portion of the bankruptcy paperwork filled out within the next two weeks and that we get our required credit counseling out of the way within that time frame as well, though the counseling part might get pushed to the first week of February depending on how much we're charged for it.

I also told her about how I plan to be in contact with a divorce lawyer and have a legal separation done or in the works by the end of the month. She started questioning me about this. About when I plan to tell him, what brought me to this decision, etc. But she thru me for a loop and kind of pissed me off when she started questioning my choice by asking things like "am I sure that this is what I want" and "is there no hope for reconciliation". What?!? I couldn't believe she was seriously asking me these questions. It's not like she doesn't know what happened to our relationship.

She told me I was too rigid in my thinking, that this doesn't have to be all black or all white, that there can be some grey area. That maybe we could be friends or even get back together. She mentioned him being mentally ill as if she were making excuses for his cheating behaviour. Seemed to be insinuating that I should forgive him cuz he's "sick". Is she supposed to be helping me or helping him? Cuz I get the feeling she's more interested in making him happy. I should ask if she's fucking him or something, sheesh.

I flat out told her that he cheated. It's inexcusable, I will never trust him again and I want a damn divorce. I need to let myself grieve, get over it and move on. She asked if I was interested in meeting someone new, of possibly getting married again. I told her I only make mistakes once, I will not marry anyone else. That type of thinking is apparently too rigid. But in this instance, if it's going to protect me from having my heart ripped out again, I'm all for being more rigid that a fucking corpse.

So she gives me homework. I'm supposed to think back through the 11 years we spent together and write down a list of the positives about him, our marriage, my feelings towards him, etc. I'm also supposed to write a list of the negatives as well. She claimed this will help me in my grieving process, but from the conversation that passed just before giving me this homework, I strongly suspect she has ulterior motives with these lists.

If she thinks I will ever forgive him, she's crazier than I am.


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