Sunday, January 28, 2007


I've been seriously struggling for the last week with an issue that I am completely unprepared to deal with. Something I knew was eventually coming, but hadn't given any consideration to the possibility of it playing out so soon. My daughter has gained a new level of independence. She has begun dating a guy that can drive.

At first my biggest concern was just allowing my freshman daughter to date a senior. She's 15, he's 18. A million questions came to mind immediately. Things like "why would a senior even want to date a freshman?", "does he think he can easily manipulate her into having sex because she's younger than him?", "is he some freaky loner with Columbine aspirations?", etc.

The more I learned about the guy, and after meeting him, many of those fears were allayed, though I will readily admit I still wonder if I've really given my daughter the tools to handle herself appropriately and not make stupid choices or allow herself to be suckered into doing things she isn't really comfortable doing. I believe I have taught her well, been very open and honest with her about relationships & sex, but you never really know if you've done the job well until all that gets tested. He's an extremely intelligent, friendly, responsible guy...but he is a guy after all and everyone knows how horny teen guys usually are.

After careful consideration, as well as conversations with her father and a friend of mine that has two teenage sons just out of high school, I am relatively ok with the two of them dating. However, I'm having a real hard time adjusting to the fact that she is no longer limited to going out when, or if, myself or another parent (usually me though) is willing to drive her and her friends. She now has a friend that drives. I thought I had another year before that would happen, and I figured she'd be the one driving since she will be the first of her friends to turn 16.

I know the older she gets, the more independent she will become. I guess my biggest issue in dealing with all this is knowing that the time has come that I have to gradually let her go. I have to allow her to begin making a life of her own away from me. Sure I'll always be there for love, guidance and support, but as time goes by, she will be needing me less and less. Soon she'll have a job, be driving. Then it'll be off to college and from there who knows what.

She's been my life for 15 years. She's given me a focus, a purpose to my life, where there has only been emptiness, uncertainty and lack of direction. What do I do when being mom is no longer my primary, full time job? I know this is a selfish concern and I'm doing my best not to let my own fears stifle the freedoms my daughter fully deserves to gain. I don't want to let my BPD feelings of abandonment force me into depriving her of any of life's experiences.

Yet I can't stop getting extremely anxious and fearful when I think that in just a few years, I'll be all alone.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

You won't be alone, Sid. She'll always be your daughter.

12:41 PM, January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is hard to let go. My son is 18 I still want to baby him. You are a good mom, believe in yourself and her.

4:30 PM, January 29, 2007  

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