Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Before the confrontation

So before the confrontation yesterday with my daughter, I'd seen my own therapist earlier in the day. Explained to her that the situation with my daughter is still going on and what the recent developments were. She tried to assure me yet again that I'm doing the right things. I'm not letting my anger consume me and lashing out at my daughter. I'm having rational conversations with her, trying to help her see things from another, hopefully better, perspective. Plus I'm trying to help her learn better ways to handle herself by having her in therapy and by simply being there for her.

Think the only thing that has really kept me from lashing out at her is that I don't read these logs until late at night, after the kiddie is in bed. I then end up staying up all night ruminating about the whole thing. I think about slapping her upside the head and asking what the hell is wrong with her. I consider pulling her out of the school she's in and sending her off to another one. Think about shipping her off to live with her father. All the things I know are the wrong way to go about handling this if I ever want her to stop this behaviour. By the time the next afternoon rolls around, I'm too emotionally spent to bother acting in a negative way towards her.

My therapist left me with homework that seems impossible to do. She wants me to come up with a list of things my daughter can do to earn my trust back. I explained to her that no one has ever done that before, re-earned my trust. I don't even know how to let most people earn my trust in the first place, how do I figure out ways for someone to regain it?

My T thinks this will be the ultimate test of my black and white thinking. That not only will I be helping my daughter with her problem, I'll be helping myself overcome some of my borderline symptoms in the process if I can work through all this.

I just don't know how to go about trusting her again. She lied to me, multiple times and the only remorse she seems to show is over the fact that she got caught. She hasn't once apologized for hurting me, for letting me or herself down. I want to believe she's genuine when she says she wants to change, wants to stop lying...but then there's that suspicious part that doesn't trust her anymore. The part that feels she's only saying she wants to do things differently because she knows that's what I want to hear and/or to ease her own guilt over being found out.

I feel like this is a no win situation for me. Either I need to put my heart on the line again and risk having it torn to pieces if she screws up again or I will forever be monitoring her and restricting her freedoms until she's 18. I don't see a middle ground anywhere. I don't see any gradual steps that can be taken for her to earn my trust back that will in turn allow me to give her back any freedom.

I so don't see that middle ground that I didn't even bother to ask her if she did what I suggested about telling her friends why she doesn't have her cellphone and isn't online anymore. I knew I wouldn't believe any answer she gave. It hurts like hell to say that, but it is the truth.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

I'm sorry things have been the way they were with your daughter. I can see it's been rough for you. I don't really have any advice, but I just want you to know I'm out there somewhere thinking about you, and hoping you can pull through this without too much stress and pain. You don't need the added stress considering you have other things to deal with, like with things with your ex.

Take care
Polar B.

12:55 PM, March 07, 2007  

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