Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Still avoiding

Tried to do a second post last night, but just before I was done typing it up my internet connection went dead for no apparent reason. Luckily I quickly cut & pasted it to the notepad before I'd lost everything I had typed. So instead of yesterday, today might be a double post day. There's just so much going on, internally and externally, that my head is feeling all jumbled inside. Having that need to get some of the thoughts out to prevent my brain from exploding from the pressure building up inside of it.

I haven't yet touched my homework. My avoidance of focusing inward too much continues to reign. Suppose that's part of the automatic numbing a previous therapist accused me of doing too often. It's just so much easier to avoid. I don't know how people take that first step outside their comfort zone. How they find the courage to challenge themselves despite any fears or anxieties they may be experiencing.

I know it's not impossible to do. The kiddie had to have done it when she came clean to her "boyfriend" about her lies. It's sad when your child has more strength than you do. Or maybe it's because she has far more support than I've ever had. More love and guidance that she knew no matter what the end result was of taking on the challenge, there would still be someone there for her. When I fail, there is no one there for me, not even myself.

Anyway...we went to the movies this weekend and saw Reign Over Me with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. Definitely a tear jerker (the kiddie cried and she RARELY cries at movies), though I think I cried harder at a different point than most people did. There's a scene where Adam Sandler's character is in with his therapist, played by Liv Tyler, and she confronts him about why he's bothering to see her if he won't open up and talk about what's going on inside of him. Think that hit me so hard because I've had therapists say that to me before. Hit me hard because I'm afraid that my current therapist will say that to me soon. Brought up the feelings of hopelessness, that no one will ever be able to help me because I don’t know how to open up.

I think Don Cheadle is an amazing actor. I've yet to be disappointed by any performance he’s given, even if the rest of the movie completely sucks ass. I found him to be more the star of this movie than Adam Sandler, and Adam’s character is what the movie is centered around. Adam did a really good job too. He stepped outside his comedic past, his apparent comfort zone, and nailed it. There seemed to be something lacking in the movie as a whole, though I could never quite figure out what it was. Think whatever was lacking was too overshadowed by what it contained and in the end didn't really matter that much.

It’s weird to see this movie and to see the steps my daughter’s been taking. They seem like such glaring examples of what I should be doing to improve my own life yet I've been unable to do them. I’m feeling really defective right now.


Blogger anna said...

You aren't defective Sid. Just human, doing the best you know how. Your daughter is very lucky you are her mom.


8:13 AM, April 04, 2007  
Anonymous MB said...

Opening up emotionally to someone is a sign of trust; therapists shouldn't try to force people to explain emotions when the trust just isn't there.

And as Anna said, you're not're a stronger person than you give yourself credit for.

Take care.

3:23 PM, April 04, 2007  
Blogger Dr. Deb said...

Don Cheadle is a great actor. Nice that he is getting noticed more and more.

It is hard to open up....but you should do it when you are ready, no matter WHAT a therapist says. It can be traumatizing to feel pressure to reveal things. Re-traumatizing so to speak.

7:37 PM, April 04, 2007  

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