Saturday, April 07, 2007

Slip of the tongue

Ever get that incredulous look from others like you've just sprouted wings out your nose or something when you mistakenly let one of your paranoid thoughts slip off your tongue? Happened to me today. Got the look from several people all at once. Suppose I should have just kept my mouth shut, but the words came out before I realized that as unsane as they might sound to me, I'm also living in a different reality from those around me. My mind just doesn't function the way everyone else's does.

Yesterday I spent part of the day surfing Google Images for a new wallpaper for my computer. I like to switch it around to match the seasons, but I wasn't having much luck finding something I liked that depicted spring. I instead opted to use a photo of the Chicago skyline, at least temporarily, so I could get the snowy, winter scene off my computer.

Later, my sister came over with her daughters so we could all dye Easter eggs together. Even my kiddie joined in though she occasionally proclaims herself "too old" for such childish activities (Too old my ass, she's expecting me to get her an Easter basket!). As we're all sitting around waiting for the girls to finish coloring the last of the eggs, I mentioned I'd changed the wallpaper on my computer. No biggie there. It was the words that followed that should have remained unspoken.

I happen to mention that each time I sit down at the computer now and see the Sears Tower, I half expect to see a plane fly across the screen and slam into it. I know these are just visions of 9/11 transported to my present thoughts and overlapped onto my own hometown, but I think the words came out with an inflection that left everyone believing I actually do expect to see this event unfold nowhere else but upon my computer screen. The uncomfortable silence and the unnerving stares that followed made me want to go hide under a rock.

I don't think any of them realize just how disturbed things are inside my head. Despite the glimpses they've seen, like the whole missing persons report saga and subsequent backlash at them for filing it or the overdosing or the multiple hospital stays, they just don't get the extent at which my mental illnesses have eaten away at my brain. How extensively they control my thoughts, actions and feelings.

Just as quickly as I let this slip, I managed to change the subject. I asked if there was any way we could scrounge enough money together to buy the Cubs. Another insane idea, but at least this time they knew I was only kidding.

I know my daughter is nervous about flying as well, and after the remark I made I had to find a way to put her at ease. After seeing the "roaming gnome" commercial (I'm drawing a blank as to which travel site uses that), I told my daughter we need to come up with our own travel companion. One that we can take with us where ever we go and take pictures of it seeing the sites we're seeing.

Her suggestion was a 3 inch high devil doll she has that looks more like a mummy wrapped in red yarn. I told her we might need something a bit bigger than that but we'd bring it along and give it a try. See if there's some way to get a picture of it with the Statue of Liberty in the background. We'll bring something larger as well though, just haven't decided what. I'm thinking maybe one of these....

my Kinder Goth named Sid

Or the kiddie's Star-Bellied Sneetch

Any preference? Cuz I'll probably be posting the pics of its travels on this blog.


Blogger Maggs said...

shit. paranoid. read my last few posts? fuck me. i feel like a stupid fuck.

9:39 PM, April 07, 2007  
Blogger MB said...

It's so difficult to decide between those two characters, the Star-bellied Sneetch is so cute. But being a bit of a goth myself I'd be inclined to say the Kinder goth. Also, what an excellent idea to ease the nervousness of travelling!

I think I have the same problem Sid, sometimes my brain doesn't engage and I automatically say what I'm thinking. Usually its a conversation killer too.

3:16 PM, April 08, 2007  
Blogger Stephen Atwood said...

I thought the travel companion idea was brilliant. I wish I'd thought of it. All I had to offer you two was that it's statistically safer (and really, what kind-of chump advice is that?).

I have only myself to blame for this. Usually when I find out a friend's scared of flying, I do everything I can to scare the hell out of them for my own enjoyment. I can be such a sick bastard sometimes.

However, the true fact is that flying is quite safe, one of the safest (if not THE safest) methods of transportation, and is clinically proven to be 20% more enjoyable when you bring your own travel companion.

And nicotine chewing gum, ever since those whiney people all complained about smoking on an airplane.

Did you know they want the WHOLE restaurant smoke-free, too?!

7:10 PM, April 08, 2007  
Blogger sansanity said...


11:58 PM, April 09, 2007  

Post a Comment

<< Home