Sunday, April 15, 2007

Torture & babysitting (no they're not related topics)

Think I'm secretly torturing myself with all these late nights/early mornings (it's after 4 am this time). Maybe it's my new form of self injury. Ok, maybe not new, but a far less frequently used form. I could, and probably should, take my Seroquel at a reasonable time so I get adequate sleep, but I end up on these streaks where I can't seem to force myself to take it. This isn't the usual "worried about the side effects like weight gain and the increased diabetes risk" that typically prohibits me from taking it though.

I think it might be that when I don't take it I have more creativity, more brain activity overall and I get to liking that, at least in the beginning. My thoughts aren't suppressed by the drugs numbing me, making me feel void of anything. It's a dangerous gamble though. I am jeopardizing my safety. The less sleep I get, the more active my mind becomes, and the quicker I'll slide into a suicidal state because the thoughts then become too overwhelming, a non-stop barrage inside my head. I have yet to find a balance between the two, don't think there is one. It's all or nothing.

I babysat my nieces last night. The younger of the two is 4 years old and was having separation anxiety. In complete hysterics because mommy left. She's a bit old to be going through this, so I'm wondering if she's beginning to associate her mother being gone with mommy going to the hospital. The last several times anyone's babysat for the girls was because my sister either had to go to the ER, have pre-surgical testing done or had surgery.

She quit crying after about 45 minutes. I tried to calm her at first, but when she wasn't responding I figured it was best to let her cry it out. I assured her that mommy and daddy would be home, probably before she went to bed, and that when she was ready, she was welcome to come out and join me & her sister to play or watch a movie. I just checked in on her every now and then to make sure she wasn't doing anything like destroying her bedroom or getting into things she shouldn't be.

Once she calmed down she was her normal, rambunctious self, as if the crying had never happened. We spent most of the night playing some Spongebob game on the Game Cube. Was nice that we could all play at the same time. As her older sister was whooping our butts at each part of the game, she kept giving me kisses every chance she got, which was a first. She loves to hug me and my kiddie when we arrive or leave, but this is the first time for the kisses. Even her sister, the one that only opens up to me, doesn't do kisses, only hugs.

As for my own kiddie, she went off to the movies with some friends (finally, someone else's parents did all the chauffeuring). They saw Disturbia, which apparently shouldn't be rated PG-13 from what she was telling me. She's not a big horror movie fan and while she tried to play it off like she wasn't completely scared, the movie got to her because she asked me to leave the bathroom light on so it wasn't as dark in her room when she went to bed. So far no nightmares though so that's good. She appears to be in a peaceful sleep. Now if only I were in one too.


Anonymous MB said...

Theres no point in trying to force yourself to sleep if you're not tired, from personal experience it just gives ample time to think about things that are bothering you, thus making things feel a little worse.

I tend to listen to my Ipod whilst lying on the sofa, this usually sends me to sleep.

Take care of yourself

10:17 AM, April 15, 2007  
Blogger Maggs said...

yeah, when i force myself to sleep i get more and more frustrated. mind races more. now i try to read.

4:41 PM, April 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I sit down at the computer, I just got back from watching Disturbia. It wasn't too bad... if you ignore the parts where I was squeazing Stephen's hand way too hard.

As for the Seroquel, I know exactly what you mean. I keep wanting to just stay up all night, trying to get stuff done, anything really. Mostly shamelessly promoting some shitty book I wrote, or trying to write the next so I can shamelessly promote it, too.

All the same, I just can't stand taking it when I feel wide awake.

And your nieces remind me of mine. I'll get to see her, soon. My sisters are coming down to see my little sister graduate from High School. There's a good chance I'll make it. I'm really proud of her.

Good night
Sleep tight
And all the other shit people say.

8:20 PM, April 15, 2007  

Post a Comment

<< Home