Monday, May 14, 2007

Thankless job

The passing of Mother's Day has left me filled with anger and guilt. Why is it that the days that are supposed to be celebrations of who you are, what you've done in life, always end up being negative events for me? I'm to the point where I want to place Mother's Day right next to my birthday on the shelf labeled "reminders of my rotten existence".

Being a mother really is a thankless job so I don't know why there's a day set aside to grind that sentiment in deeper, to basically rub it in our faces. It's like a yearly fuck you. Or maybe that's just my take on the whole thing.

My day was spent doing a shitload of laundry and listening to my ex tell me what a wonderful job I'm doing taking care of his daughter, only to have the remainder of the conversation after that one sentence of praise turn to him hounding me to loan him some money. I'm sorry asshole, this is Mother's Day. You didn't even have $3.00 to take your daughter out to get me some generic card that says how wonderful a mom I am and you're expecting me to now loan you money?

As for my daughter, she did make me a card, which I do appreciate. I actually like the homemade cards better than the mass produced ones the stores all sell. But that was it. No "I love you" came with it. No acknowledgement that I actually mean anything to her. Maybe it's wrong of me to have that expectation, and that is what's generating the guilt I feel, but I can't help it. I've given up my life and even my much desired death for this child, and I feel like I don't matter to her. It hurts.

Maybe that's how all children are, they take their parents for granted. I don't have any experience to judge that off of though. My mother hated me, and I hated her in return, there was nothing there to take for granted.

Guess being off my meds is doing what I wanted it to do...I'm starting to feel again. But as usual, all I feel is hurt, sadness and self pity. At least now I have the ability to release the tears that go along with it.


Blogger MB said...

Hey Sid,

From personal experience, I gave my parents Hell when I was young. I regret it now, but I really did, I was a nightmare between the ages of 14-18. Then the health of one of my parents took a bad turn and I saw life in a different light. Me and my mum are especially close now, but that relationship needed alot of work, and the help of a counsellor!

Also, take into account that she did spend time hand-making you a card this year. If she didn't care, would she have spent time doing so? Don't be so hard on yourself Sid, you're a wonderful and supportive mother.

Take care,

MB x

4:50 AM, May 15, 2007  
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9:42 AM, May 15, 2007  
Anonymous anonymous mom said...

ok sid, i can outdo you. my older son sent me a homemade card with chocolates from ny. my rob? when he woke up he said, "happy mother's day, i don't have any money, so what do you want?" I said, "oh nothing... did you see the card your brother made?" hint hint

when he came home from work, he told me again, "i don't have any money - what can i do for you for mother's day?" i said, "well the chores are already done, or i'd ask you to mow the lawn or something." he said, "well, I didn't mean physical labor." I said, "well really, I don't want anything".

awhile later he went to the bathroom, and when he came out I said, "I thought of something I want for mother's day!" "what?" "for you to flush the toilet!"
he went back in, flushed, and said "there you go - happy mother's day!"

sometimes it's the little things that mean the most... lol

1:39 PM, May 15, 2007  

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