Come full circle

At times it might not seem like it, but I do realize that another year has passed and I've once again come full circle. I muddled my way through the year and landed in the exact same spot I was in last September. It's the same spot I was in the September before that and the one before that, and so on....on the verge of another breakdown.

It's disheartening to read the posts from September thru November of last year and see that little has changed in the way I feel, in the way that I'm heading towards disaster. Despite all that seems so similar, there is one major difference coming into play that wasn't there in years past. I actually want to jump off the runaway train before the inevitable wreck. Usually I just hang on for dear life, hoping to die swiftly at the end.

Right now, in this moment, I want to let go and save myself. That doesn't mean I'll come out unscathed. Jumping from a speeding train is going to be scary, and it's going to hurt like hell, but I think there is a far greater chance of survival.

To even just type those words "save myself" is scary. I can feel my mind trying to pick apart what I've written. Trying to tell itself that those words, those thoughts, aren't true. How can you talk about saving yourself when for the last 27 years the one thing you've wanted most was to embrace death?

The coming weeks will be an immense struggle, made worse by the fact that my daughter's grandma will be coming to town on Monday. This will be our first chance to see her since grandpa passed away and it will finally be our time to really grieve the loss. We've been able to cast most of the pain off to the side, consumed by daily tasks that keep his death from our thoughts. Now it will be front and center. I'm not sure what to expect. I don't know if he left anything in his will to his granddaughter or if she will be given any of his ashes. All I know is to expect a lot of tears, tears that are starting to flow right now as I think about what's to come next week.

I just hope I can remain focused on those words....save myself. Try to keep from being consumed by the depression that has already been fighting to gain its death grip.