Thursday, October 13, 2005

Not about her

Saw my therapist today for the first time since being hospitalized. She told me she didn't call 911 cuz she said she couldn't save me?!? I tried explaining to her that I wasn't in touch with reality at the time, but she said I had to have been to blog and to send the email I sent. I said that I don't remember much of anything from that week. Don't remember blogging or even being on the computer but I guess it doesn't matter. Ultimately I'm to blame for my own fuck up.

She then accuses me of "testing her" by doing this because she'd left me for three weeks for her vacation. I refuted that vehemently. I didn't have a problem with her being gone. I admit I was anxious when she first told me how long she'd be gone because the last therapist to leave never came back. But we talked that out prior to her leaving and I just decided to let it go. If she returned she returned, it was out of my control. I'm not one of these people that calls her constantly outside of our appointments. I try to carry on as best I can because it's not her job to take care of me. So why she would even suggest that I was testing her is beyond me. None of this is even about her. She's just there to try and help me work thru what I need to work thru. To offer guidance and reinforce positive coping methods.

She then asks why I'm afraid to connect to people...hinting at the no eye contact thing again. I told her that I'm afraid people will see the monster inside and that I'm afraid of being hurt again, which happens every time I connect with someone. She wanted to know when she was going to disappoint me, almost as if I have a timeline for how fast I cut people out of my life before I allow them to hurt me. My guess is she was searching for something, but I haven't a clue what it was.

I'm just not going to dwell on any of this. I'm already depressed enough as it is, I don't need to add anger & frustration into the mix.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

After waking up from an OD, it is normal to not remember the things you did prior to the OD. I understnad that - I've been in that situation many times. For the life of me, I just cannot remember - but people will tell me I did this and that.

You're right too about the incident not being related to Nicole. Although I also understand how she would feel that way. I've had therpists in the past that have taken my impulsive actions personally, when it had nothing to do with them at all. I think they just don't really understand what it's like for us.

4:01 PM, October 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anna said...

I'm not quite sure what your therapist means when she says she couldn't save you???? wtf...if you tell your therapist that you're suicidal or od'd or whatever, don't they have an obligation to call 911 and make sure you get to the hospital? And the rest of what she said to you...about you testing her...what is that all about. You're right, this has nothing to do with her. And the not connecting with other people, how many people with mental illnesses actually try to connect with other people...when we do we get shot down or disappointed in some way. No one understands us and that's a shame since we're going to them for help. Hang in there.

4:13 PM, October 13, 2005  

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