Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Scars of the evil

These are some of the outward scars of the evil inside me. My webcam sucks so the image isn't nearly as horrifying as the actual sight of it is. In this view of my upper right arm, the camera only picked up some of the raised scars but does not show the hundreds of lighter scars where the tissue sustained less damage. Since I'm right-handed, I tend to inflict more wounds on the left arm so this is benign compared to the damage on the other side. To put the image into better perspective, the most prominent scar is 2 inches long and is raised by nearly a quarter of an inch.

I will carry these scars for the rest of my life. A subtle hint to the horrors that lie within. The physical pain that accompanied these cuts is only a minute fraction of the emotional pain that I was seeking relief from. I wonder just how deep I would need to cut to reach the emptiness inside.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

To see those pictures is so disturbing. I really worry about you Sid.


1:54 AM, October 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have never commented before about self harming,but after seeing your picture i feel i would like to.a picture of my upper left arm would be kinda similar i feel to yours.i have been luckier than you i think as i have only once in the 20 yrs i have been cutting needed to seek medical attention(i cut lengthwise,it bled like i have never seen before,i thot it had stopped so i taped it up and went to bed,woke up in a pool of blood covering about a quarter of my bed,it was back to pulsing out of my arm,so thot i had better head down to casualty)anyway as i was sayin,i do not fully know what it is like for you,but when i get it it is like i have a ,i duuno , a compulsion to is like i let things build up to a certain point,and then my brain says,time to press the reset button,and i have to cut.i know it is irrational,and i know it is potentially dangerous,BUT i also know it does help me get back to what is normal for me.

i have rambled on for too long now,just really wanted to say i may have a very small idea of what you are going thru,and i stress,very small.but my main point is ,take as much care as you can if/when you cut.and hopefully your mind will clear.for me it is like a fog lifting or a weight being taken off.i function better and i feel better ,but as yet am unable to work out why.

right this time i am really goin to end rambling,you are very lucky in that you have a lot of people who care deeply about your wellbeing,support from others is the best thing in the world.

3:51 PM, October 14, 2005  

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