Monday, October 10, 2005

Selfishness

Selfishness didn't exist for me as a child. Nothing was ever about me. I was taught that I didn't matter, that I was too insignificant to have anyone focus their attention on me. It was a lesson that I learned exceedingly well. So then why do I feel so damn selfish now?

I get the feeling that my illnesses are demanding attention from others. Yet I'd prefer the anonymity I once had because the attention I'm garnering often lacks substance. As if people are faking their concern and instead are simply hiding their disgust, frustration and loathing out of fear that the "crazy bitch" will go postal on them.

Some people have turned away and refuse to have any contact with me. While the pain of their rejection hurts, it's a much more honest response and I am able to retain some level of respect for them for it. I don't know that I could keep up an emotionally draining relationship with me. In fact I know I can't, it's part of the reason I want to kill myself.

The depression, the self-injurious thoughts...they're still pounding away at my weakened psyche. When the hell will all this shit end??

Writer's note: The people I feel are "faking concern" does not apply to those that read this blog and offer support. I genuinely feel most, if not all, of you know what it's like to suffer with mental illness and believe you are honest when expressing your concern. I do appreciate all the support I've received from each of you.

3 Comments:

Blogger Shannin said...

as usual, this sounds exactly like something i would write....i did find it odd your sister sounded so concerned in her emails to me...all i could think was "didn't you WANT her locked away forever?"...hopefully she is offering true support now.
take care of you...

3:11 PM, October 11, 2005  
Anonymous Anna said...

I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through a rough spot right now and I'd rather someone tell me that they really don't care to hear about it then stand there in my face and act like they care. Sorry you're going through this right now. Where are all the honest and true people when you need them?

7:18 PM, October 11, 2005  
Blogger Ron_F said...

Sid, I had not read for a while and just read the past week. I was stunned and sad, but I am also hopeful for you. I don't think I can do or say anything more than everyone else, but please know that I care, and so do many others. Just get better, persevere, make it through for your child and for yourself.
Hugs and good karma... fern

7:46 AM, October 12, 2005  

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