Scrambled brain anyone?

Read blogs a bit ago, think I only posted one comment though. Sorry, I'm just feeling out of it today. Could be that my monthly misery (as Mizeeyore calls it) that was taunting me for the last week finally arrived. Could be that my brain feels like someone stuck the blades of a blender in there, turned the switch on high and scrambled every coherent thought I ever had.

Wish I could find just the right description for how my head feels. It's like going to the closet you know is filled with your clothes and other belongings, opening the door and finding nothing there. Or like a computer that suddenly had all its files deleted, but yet you know the information is still hidden somewhere on the hard drive. Hidden where only the computer savvy can find it, yanno...like the cops finding fucked up porn even though some sick fuck thinks he deleted it (Ok, I watch WAY too much SVU).

Short term memory is still fried from the ECT. I'm even having trouble accessing long term memories on demand. The memories can come up at weird times on their own...hell, I woke up to the song Planet Earth by Duran Duran playing in my head this morning & I haven't heard that in forever...but if I try to think back to my past and think about something I know I've done, I usually come up blank. It's really annoying.

Yesterday's visit with Ms. N was reasonable. Despite my anxiety being high when I walked in, she managed to put me at ease. Didn't accomplish anything but at least it wasn't a setback either...to me that's a glimmer of progress. She thinks that my anger about the DBT group isn't just from frustration, but also from fear. Fear that the group will be permanently cancelled like the first one was. I can't say I agree or disagree with that statement. I haven't consciously thought about the first one being permanently nixed, but maybe that fear is there, lurking.

That still doesn't diminish or change my frustration about the other group members not showing up or being late. I clearly voiced my anger over this. Her response was typical psycho-babble...."you can't change other people, you can only control your own emotions and behaviour". She said the actions of others shouldn't dictate how I'm going to handle myself. I know this, but if their actions are rude & inconsiderate and I have to deal with it, how do I keep from blowing a fuse? She told me it's absolutely great that I hold my commitments to such a high standard, but that unfortunately others don't and they have to hold themselves accountable for it. UGH! That was no help at all, but at least I didn't get upset that I couldn't seem to get her to understand where I was coming from.

So today in group (big crowd, four of us & everyone was actually on time) we begin talking about radical acceptance. I can already tell this is going to be a concept that's gonna take me a long time to grasp, if I ever can. Anyway, they said that in order to have radical acceptance, one of the steps is to allow yourself to feel your emotions and not question them. Um, ok...so I tell them I've been feeling my anger, but the message I felt I was getting from my T was that my anger was inappropriate. She tells me that wasn't what she was trying to say to me and goes on this explanation that made no sense to me at all.

Then the other T running the group speaks up and says one way to handle my anger is to speak with the person or persons I feel are getting me riled up and let them know how I'm feeling and why. I've spoken up about this before in group, didn't make one iota of difference.

I know I'm the one that's going to have to change my outlook and find some way to not let the fucking inconsiderates get to me. Told my T that this would be something we'd be discussing further next Monday.

Better write that down before I completely forget it in 10 mins.