Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Scrambled brain anyone?

Read blogs a bit ago, think I only posted one comment though. Sorry, I'm just feeling out of it today. Could be that my monthly misery (as Mizeeyore calls it) that was taunting me for the last week finally arrived. Could be that my brain feels like someone stuck the blades of a blender in there, turned the switch on high and scrambled every coherent thought I ever had.

Wish I could find just the right description for how my head feels. It's like going to the closet you know is filled with your clothes and other belongings, opening the door and finding nothing there. Or like a computer that suddenly had all its files deleted, but yet you know the information is still hidden somewhere on the hard drive. Hidden where only the computer savvy can find it, yanno...like the cops finding fucked up porn even though some sick fuck thinks he deleted it (Ok, I watch WAY too much SVU).

Short term memory is still fried from the ECT. I'm even having trouble accessing long term memories on demand. The memories can come up at weird times on their own...hell, I woke up to the song Planet Earth by Duran Duran playing in my head this morning & I haven't heard that in forever...but if I try to think back to my past and think about something I know I've done, I usually come up blank. It's really annoying.

Yesterday's visit with Ms. N was reasonable. Despite my anxiety being high when I walked in, she managed to put me at ease. Didn't accomplish anything but at least it wasn't a setback either...to me that's a glimmer of progress. She thinks that my anger about the DBT group isn't just from frustration, but also from fear. Fear that the group will be permanently cancelled like the first one was. I can't say I agree or disagree with that statement. I haven't consciously thought about the first one being permanently nixed, but maybe that fear is there, lurking.

That still doesn't diminish or change my frustration about the other group members not showing up or being late. I clearly voiced my anger over this. Her response was typical psycho-babble...."you can't change other people, you can only control your own emotions and behaviour". She said the actions of others shouldn't dictate how I'm going to handle myself. I know this, but if their actions are rude & inconsiderate and I have to deal with it, how do I keep from blowing a fuse? She told me it's absolutely great that I hold my commitments to such a high standard, but that unfortunately others don't and they have to hold themselves accountable for it. UGH! That was no help at all, but at least I didn't get upset that I couldn't seem to get her to understand where I was coming from.

So today in group (big crowd, four of us & everyone was actually on time) we begin talking about radical acceptance. I can already tell this is going to be a concept that's gonna take me a long time to grasp, if I ever can. Anyway, they said that in order to have radical acceptance, one of the steps is to allow yourself to feel your emotions and not question them. Um, ok...so I tell them I've been feeling my anger, but the message I felt I was getting from my T was that my anger was inappropriate. She tells me that wasn't what she was trying to say to me and goes on this explanation that made no sense to me at all.

Then the other T running the group speaks up and says one way to handle my anger is to speak with the person or persons I feel are getting me riled up and let them know how I'm feeling and why. I've spoken up about this before in group, didn't make one iota of difference.

I know I'm the one that's going to have to change my outlook and find some way to not let the fucking inconsiderates get to me. Told my T that this would be something we'd be discussing further next Monday.

Better write that down before I completely forget it in 10 mins.


Blogger James said...

Those are great analogies although i'm sure frustrating and scary as all hell. I especially relate to the scrambled brain via the blender one.

The memory issue must be aweful!! I would feel so lost. I am glad that you blog though. You have such a way with words!! It's a great connection to a loving support group and hopefully stimulating to your fried brain.

1:15 PM, March 01, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

It's a great thing we've got blogs to help us remember things, right! Ah, what would be do without blogs? I think I'd be lost.

9:33 PM, March 01, 2006  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

My DBT group has rules on missing group or being late. Miss 2 times, and you're out of there. Be late, and you have to make a "repair" (show or tell something about yourself). It starts on time always, and restarts after break on time. It has its bad points too, like each module is way too short.

I have been using radical acceptance a lot of late, and need to use it now over my current issue about my friend not communicating to me. But it is certainly easier said than done.

Good for you for speaking up about the others' irresponsible behavior. I hope you stick with it, Sid.

12:12 PM, March 02, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Sid.
I was just thinking the other day it felt as though my brain was full of shattered glass with sharp pains all over. Everythings a mess and out of control. My rooms a disaster area, very much reflects how I feel. So I know where your coming from.
I forgot how to get to the damb freakin library, got lost and couldnt find my way but when I found it I had forgotten my library card and had to go all the way back, plus Im drinking and Im half out of it but not too much I guess since I got here but Ive had enough to relax me.
The mind can get messed up pretty bad r9ght? Well I dont know what to tell you except to drink, thats all I know too do.
No scratch that, thats not right, but I do it anyway. But thats not what I want you to do because it will kill you like its killing me.
You have much more to live for, you have a kid.
But your very intelligent, and theres much you can do.

I have a gawd damb iq of 80, thats it. Im completly stupid!!
Severe depression, low iq, aspergers and some unknown disease.
But I figured I had an unknown disease. Oh and not to mention avoidant personality disorder and some pychosomatic disorde and possibly schitziphrenia, anxioty disorder and who knows what eslse, if theres anything left.

I know as well as anybody the pain of mental anguish. I really understand how you feel, and I dont want you to suffer like this.
Keep taking your meds and dont give up. Im sure your stronger than me and you can make it. Your daughter needs you desparatly, give her all the love you can and shell always be there for you too.

I hope youll get to feeling better.
Please try and hang in there, ok?

Take care,

7:37 PM, March 02, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

Hi Sid, question for you...do you *really* like group therapy, or do you go because you're told to? My pdoc mentioned to me, but I don't know if I could tolerate it.

8:55 PM, March 02, 2006  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I absolutely hate group therapy. Feel like I have nothing in common with the other people, even the ones I know supposedly have the same diagnosis. They talk and I can't relate at all to the things they say. Not sure if it's the age difference or what.

I usually go for one of two reasons...1) I need the structure during my day; or 2) the only way to get the info is thru a group.

9:57 PM, March 02, 2006  
Blogger Katie said...

There is a way out of the problems and into a clear loving state of mind....His name is Jesus. I was diagnosed years ago, and struggled for far too long with depression and the torment that I could never escape my own screwed up insides. Talking about it never seemed to do much good, listening to other people talk about it annoyed me, and living seemed to be harder all the time. Pills even got old after a while, and only ever succeeded at helping me sleep, and numbing me enough to tolerate living. What ever you may think about God, Jesus reached down to me and gave me a joyful life worth living. I 150% recommend giving everything you are to Him. All of the voices, and depression, and pain left. I know walk around happier than most "normal" people. And life gets sweeter and sweeter! No pit is too deep for Him...and He is guaranteed to show up and love you back to health and wholeness!! Good luck and God bless! Remember nothing is impossible for God!!

4:31 PM, February 16, 2009  

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