Thursday, March 02, 2006

Alien

I'm lacking the human connection again. Feeling like an alien amongst a breed of beings I have no ability to understand or relate to on any level. I try to read my emails, my favorite blogs or chat online with little success. As soon as I start to read something, this panic takes over and I have the urge to just turn off the computer and hide. Afraid I guess that I won't have anything to say to anyone or that I'll say the wrong thing.

It's weird because my depression has let up some. On a scale of 0-5, it's only been about a 2 for the last week and a half. I've managed to make small plans each day that I've been able to carry out. Nothing major because I don't want to overwhelm myself, just little things like today I took a shower and actually shaved a little. I also cleaned up part of the bathroom, something I've been neglecting. Yesterday I went shopping for supplies we needed for the bunny, cleaned his cage and clipped his nails. Tomorrow I hope to finish the bathroom by cleaning the shower. I also need to take my daughter's violin in to have a string replaced on the way to my dentist appointment.

I guess in order for my mood to improve and to have the energy to actually accomplish things, I have to make a sacrifice. It's not possible for me to be okay on all fronts at the same time. I am trying to sit with this uneasiness about not being able to relate to others right now. Trying not to judge which is a really hard thing to do. But it's a new DBT skill that I have never done so since I have yet to succeed, I'll just keep trying.

My anxiety is high because of this as well. So I've been taking my Valium as prescribed, twice a day. Any more than that and I think I'd fall sleep which I'm trying to avoid. There are no urges to self harm. I've even been smoking less and less each day. Yet on the flip-side, I can't be around people, can't interact with them in any way. Even my daughter gets blocked out some. Luckily today she finally went back to school (she was sick the last two days) and afterwards brought a friend over, they made cookies and then headed off to some "movie nite" thing at school.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. I'll just finish getting thru today and move on.

8 Comments:

Blogger Joel said...

For me, this feeling can be like being immersed in a cube of brownish, unflavored gelatin.

I'm in a different place right now, so I can't recall all the details of the mood. You write well. You communicate your existence in images that I can grab onto and retain. It makes me care about you and want to help.

Keep talking. I'm following you, silently. Invisible as I am, I am often here as are others.

8:07 PM, March 02, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

I'm here too...

8:56 PM, March 02, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I live by what I try to teach: one day at a time. My own depression taught me that better than any book or class or therapist every could.

~Deb

8:44 AM, March 03, 2006  
Blogger dan said...

An article from your blog has been added to this month's Carnival of the Bipolars!

3:46 PM, March 03, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

i think you're doing damn good Sid. and it's good that you pace yourself so that you dont get overwhelmed. i enjoyed our chat last night, and i hope you did too.

as i said last night, you have to do the things that work best for YOU. if it means taking baby steps to accomplish something, so be it. if it works for you, you owe no one any explanation.

i hope we get a chance to chat soon. *smile*

Big hugs
((((((((((((((((Sid))))))))))))))))

take care of YOU!

4:54 PM, March 03, 2006  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

Big hugs, Sid. I can relate to that sort of isolationist depression. I am going through a depression now, despite the massive dosages of Wellbutrin, Prozac and Abilify. I'm lonely and want to be with people, but when it comes down to it, I just stay a hermit. That's great that you are doing a little each day for yourself. I was doing that, then stopped. I need to do it again. Housecleaning 101. But it can get overwhelming, can't it? Sometimes I don't know where to start.

You are doing great with your DBT skills. Just try to keep practicing them, and eventually they will become second nature. It takes time and effort, just like most things, but it is well worth it.

I'm proud of you and all that you are accomplishing despite your depression.

Good job, Sid. You are handling your depression very, very well. It probably doesn't feel like it, but you are functioning at a pretty good level for the amount of depression you have. You've got guts, woman.

6:20 PM, March 03, 2006  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

I feel the same way Sid. If I could just go to bed and pull the comforter over my head, I'd be "happy".
Hang on though, your giving me the courage to go to the doctor next week and seek help.

8:34 PM, March 03, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

sid, i wish i had something woinderful to say. i know that feeling at reading blogs and emails. sometimes i avoid it because i feel like someone will put some unexpected demand on me. it oculd be as little as "feel better." or sometimes i know i "absorb" other people's moods and i am afraid to absorb their down moods so i just avoid people.

9:42 PM, March 03, 2006  

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