The chemical wasteland

In response to the comments I've gotten about medications, I just wanted to share the vast chemical wasteland I've already trekked through because I don't know if I've ever done that. All of these are ones I have tried in just the last four years, and these are just the ones I actually remember. They were either tried alone or in combination with other meds at varying dosages. I believe four different meds was the most I've ever been on at any one time. As usual, they are in no particular order other than alphabetical.

1) Abilify - Made me hypermanic within a week of starting at the lowest dose given to adults. This is the one and only time I've ever experienced mania in my life. Had to quit taking it because even with taking 400 mgs of Seroquel, which typically knocks me out cold, I didn't sleep the entire time I was on Abilify.

2) Ativan - Did absolutely nothing for me.

3) Effexor - Started at the lowest dose possible, the one they typically begin children on, not the adult dose. I had such a severe reaction to the very first pill that I thought I was dying and ended up in the medical hospital for several days.

4) Eldepryl - The medication I'm currently on but taking sporadically. I did take it for nearly 6 months at the prescribed dosage. At first it was great, thought it was my miracle drug because when I first started taking it in October I felt great for the first time. Felt depression free and happy for the first time in a very long time. But the longer I took it, the more I felt chemically bleached of all personality and feeling by it. That is why I have recently stopped taking it as prescribed. If I could find a balance where I could still feel like there was life inside of me, still be able to experience emotions and at the same time still keep my depression under control, this would be the perfect medication.

5) Geodon - Felt no relief while on this. Eventually maxed out on the dosage.

6) Klonopin - Same response as I got with the Ativan...none whatsoever. It was like taking a sugar pill.

7) Lamictal - Felt no relief from this one either and I know I tried it a couple of times in different med combinations.

8) Lithium - All it did was make me sick as hell.

9) Neurontin - I don't know what this one was supposed to do, but it didn't do anything for me.

10) Nortriptyline - Made me feel doped up and confused. It also made my acid reflux even worse plus I had the lovely feeling that I was either going to have a heart attack or a seizure at any moment. Had to stop taking it after two weeks.

11) Paxil - I strongly believe this is the absolute worst drug in the world and it should not be on the market. I refused to stay on it for my own safety.

12) Prozac - Had no effect on me at all.

13) Remeron - I've been on this a few times. Typically my pdoc tried it as a substitute for Seroquel, but Remeron never once calmed my racing thoughts or ever made me sleepy.

14) Ritalin - My pdoc was grasping at straws when he tried me on this. Thought maybe that since it's an upper it would improve my mood. All it did was make me agitated to the point I wanted to crawl out of my skin 24 hours a day.

15) Seroquel - The only med that has ever helped me get any sleep. It actually calms my racing thoughts and makes me sleepy. 75% of the time I have taken this at the correct dose, in fact I did so for the first two years I was on it. Problem is that diabetes runs in my family and after finding out that Seroquel raises the risk of developing it, I now worry that being on too high of a dose is going to make me develop it prematurely. Plus, if I take too high of a dose (the highest I've gone was 600 mgs) I have horrible nightmares and I can't take more than 200 mgs at once or it effects my ability to breath. My sinuses close up and I feel like I'm suffocating. I used to get around that by taking 200 mgs an hour before bed. Once it kicked in and I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, I'd take the other 200 or 400 mgs I was on. I feel I'm now dependent on this med for sleep because if I don't take it I'm awake until I do. Often there's a battle raging in my head between taking it so I can sleep and not wanting to take it because I want to be able to experience natural sleep, not a chemically induced one. I also battle with the diabetes issue. I'm supposed to take 200 mgs right now, but I typically 100 mgs. If I stay up too late and need to be up early, I'll drop it down to 50 mgs. Other times I'm so bothered by the downsides of the med that I can't force myself to choke any of it down.

16) Trazodone - Made me vomit or want to vomit every time I took it, so I wasn't able to stay on it long enough to find out if it would work.

17) Trileptal - Was given this a few times in combination with other meds, but never got much relief.

18) Valium - The only medication that helps with my anxiety and panic attacks. I do take this every day or as needed, which is how it was prescribed.

19) Wellbutrin SR & XL - I don't think there's a formulary difference in the two, one is just an extended release kind of thing. This actually helped at first, but stopped working about 3 months later. Eventually maxed out on the dosage of both types of pills.

20) Xanax - Another drug for anxiety that had absolutely no effect on me at all.

21) Zoloft - This one I've tried several times. Each time it worked at first, but like the Wellbutrin eventually stopped after several months and I ended up maxing out on the dosage.

Given the variety of drug classes, the varying dosages and the limited response to most all of them, medications aren't really the answer for me. Multiple rounds of ECT, both unilateral & bilateral, and having this VNS implant were also complete busts, so I'm left to wonder if there even is a chemical imbalance.

This is why I tend to lean more towards the core problem being a brain defect of some kind. A developmental problem, that my brain didn't form correctly from birth or I suffered brain damage along the way. That different areas of my brain don't communicate properly with the others, or some areas just don't work at all.