Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Unbearable stress

I think I will end up suffocating in my stress before I get a chance to spend that gift card. I'm at my wits end here and the will to live is dying fast. Words from a post I did on Sunday, April 23, 2006 seem fitting to what's going on right now...

I feel like a mouse under a microscope. The prisoner in a sick, twisted medical experiment which involves distress tolerance. How much misery can we pile on top of Sid before she cracks under the weight? Which will go first, her mental health or her physical? Will the severity of her symptoms increase over time or will she just break down all at once?

I know I should be strong enough to handle all this. Others probably think "what the hell does she have to bitch about, her life is easy compared to mine". Stupid, lazy, idiotic, weak, pitiful...I can see their thoughts now. But there's no need for anyone else to speak them, I scream them at myself every day.

To add to the unbearable stress load I'm already shouldering, yesterday I received the letter from Social Security I've been dreading since mention of it came up in March...the 'Disability Update Report'. The form that initiates the review of my case to determine if I'm still insane enough to receive the measly benefits the government provides me each month, in lieu of having the ability to be gainfully employed, that I'm somehow supposed to support myself and a child on.

Panic set in the moment I opened it and realized what it was. Complete confusion followed when I saw that there is only space to write in the three most recent pdoc AND therapy visits plus three additional spaces to write in hospitalizations AND surgeries, yet the form is asking about a time period from June of 2005 until now. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do now and how to fill this form out. What about all the other pdoc visits, therapy sessions, the group sessions like DBT, ER visits for stitches when I cut deeper than I should have and hospitalizations that don't fit in the six spaces provided? Aren't they pertinent to deciding if I'm still disabled?

I didn't need for this letter to show up now, but it is only fitting that it did. That's just how my life goes. How it's always gone. Once my stress alarm is triggered by a single event, there is never a chance to take a deep breath and gain my bearings before the next stressor gets slapped upon me and the next one, and so on. They come at me in rapid succession until I can't take it any longer and I snap, usually in the form of deciding to take my own life.

The bitch of it all is that I know my T and pdoc would somehow tie all this into not being med compliant. What they don't realize is that it doesn't matter how doped up I am, I still wouldn't be able to deal with the stress I'm under. That medications won't stop the stresses from piling on top of me one after the other, with no break in between. It's my curse.


Anonymous Borderlinecrazy said...

Been there, done that. If you can even remember all your dates of care, type them up on a separate sheet of paper along with the reasons for each and write "see attached" on those six lines. Also, solicit your pdoc, therapist, and any other treatment professionals who interact with you to write a letter to the SSA indicating why you require disability. Include the letters. If they turn you down, file an appeal and do the same thing again. You WILL be able to receive disability if you need it, but it requires patience! If you can, cozy up to an employee at your local SSA office; that's what I did, and she navigated loopholes I would have had no idea were even there. Good luck. You can get through this! Really!

10:08 AM, June 20, 2007  
Blogger James said...

I'm dreading that letter too. I don't know what they think will change our status. I mean, there isn't a cure for mental illness. What is wrong with these people???

I can't believe that doctor recommendations for disability are not enough for the government.

No-they have to involve lawyers and judges who have little to no experience in mental health medicine and therapy.

3:23 PM, June 20, 2007  
Blogger MB said...

The government do not have a clue! I know someone who is an alcoholic who gets £150 a week in benefits, but I know someone else who suffers from a panic disorder and is given a measly £70 a week! The second person is a family member of mine, who I am aiding with finances (its not possible for him to pay for the mortgage on the family home with such a crappy amount of cash!). The alcoholic lives with his family, and they all work too. But he receives more due to the classification of mental illness. Personally, I think it's ridiculous to allow a person such a measly sum of money to fund their lives!

2:18 PM, June 21, 2007  
Blogger Mark said...

You can ride it out. I survived my own stress thing with the help of some Ativan (1 mg on tough days). It's somewhat documented in my month of May blog.

2:53 PM, June 22, 2007  

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