Sunday, April 23, 2006

Wasn't enough

It wasn't enough just to be severely depressed, have suicidal thoughts, start self mutilating again, feel completely invalidated by my therapist and to have everything go wrong yesterday & see my daughter upset. That just wasn't enough shit piled on at once. Nothing's complete until I'm suffocating in the crap.

The last several days I've been running a low grade fever that has consistently gotten higher. Today it hit 101.6 and is probably still climbing. Have I done anything about it? No. Do I plan to do anything about it? No. My complete lack of trust in doctors will keep me from seeking out their help. Besides, every time I go to the doctor, despite how awful I may feel, there's never anything seriously wrong with me. So I'll just suffer and wait for it to pass. Just wonder what's going to happen next.

I feel like a mouse under a microscope. The prisoner in a sick, twisted medical experiment which involves distress tolerance. How much misery can we pile on top of Sid before she cracks under the weight? Which will go first, her mental health or her physical? Will the severity of her symptoms increase over time or will she just break down all at once?

I know I should be strong enough to handle all this. Others probably think "what the hell does she have to bitch about, her life is easy compared to mine". Stupid, lazy, idiotic, weak, pitiful...I can see their thoughts now. But there's no need for anyone else to speak them, I scream them at myself every day.


Blogger James said...

It sucks being sick while at the same time being mentally ill.

I totally hear you on the feeling that you're in an experiment. I feel that all the time. It sucks ass I can relate to that. It's terrifying.

I dislike the doctor in any form too. Even when I know that I have one of my chronic, impacted sinus infections and I go to the doctor; they usually tell me i'm not sick enough!! Ugh.

6:56 PM, April 24, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Others probably think "... her life is easy compared to mine"
Others have no fkn clue what it feels like. People have lots of opinions based on no knowledge or experience whatsoever.

When I have a similar feeling, I think it is frustration at not understanding myself and my own irrational thoughts. In self-defense I get mad at myself and everyone else around me for "not understanding what I'm going through" - it gives me a target for the frustration and anger.

I hope this passes soon ... hang in. you're worth it.

(not Fern anymore)

1:10 AM, April 25, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

If I've been learning anything from therapy, it's that I shouldn't be worried about what other people are doing compared to what I'm doing or what they're thinking about me.

Take care of yourself, Sid. You sound very sick! :(

8:52 PM, April 26, 2006  

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