Friday, April 21, 2006

Different place

I sought relief during the few moments I was awake yesterday and today, using my usual weapon of choice. Didn't have the effect I was hoping for. It felt unnatural, as if I'd never done it before. I think it's the large quantities of meds I've been using to keep myself sedated that have numbed me to everything.

Earlier I'd read the posts leading up to the hospitalizations I've had since I started this blog. Wanted to see if I was in the same place now that I'd been in previously, smothered in darkness with the only light being along the path to death's door. Couldn't make a connection with where I'm now at. Seems like a completely different place.

It's hard when you don't recognize yourself. Is this the person I was destined to be? Or is there someone else on the other side? I haven't the strength to search for answers. Barely have the physical strength to sit upright.

Back to my sanctuary. Back to being hidden from view. Back to being the forgotten. That's all I can handle right now.

4 Comments:

Blogger mizeeyore said...

i'm here if you need me, Sid. i am so sorry you're going thru such a tough time hon. mind you, i'm not telling you to keep medicating yourself, but, if it helps to numb your emotions, or at least keep you in a neutral zone, then do what you must, but please please try not to over-medicate to the point where it leads to God forbid, a tragedy.

take care of yourself because there's only one YOU!

much much love
genelle

4:19 PM, April 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont like the way things are sounding, it makes me worry. I wish for you to get better and I hate for you to be taking large quantitys of meds. Hope your only taking what your doctor has recomended, please be careful.

You can bet theres more to you than where you are right now, I know theres much you can do once you get out of this depressive state. But your doing quite a bit right now, your raising a child and thats a huge job.

Please dont be so down on yourself,
your going to get better I know.
I'll talk to you again soon. Keep on fighting.

Take care
and many hugs
Billy

1:00 AM, April 22, 2006  
Blogger James said...

I have kind of given up on finding "answers." Now I just try to "be." I don't know if it's working just yet but it seems to be. Peace, love and serenity to you...

11:35 AM, April 22, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I am thinking about you.

~Deb

8:54 PM, April 22, 2006  

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