From the past
My thoughts are running amok again. Some of that is good though because I'm remembering things from the past, things I had felt were lost in the great empty expanse that my mind had become. Memories I'd thought were permanently laid to rest have found new life. And to my horror, they include the abuse which I would love to forever lose consciousness of.
At times I wish my head were like this computer. I could randomly go in and delete files I never use or need anymore. I wonder how much of my memory would be wiped out if I could do that...20%, 60%, 99%? Most of my childhood would be gone, as well as most of my adult life because both are riddled with abuse and mental illness. I know someone would tell me that the things I experienced in life made me who I am today. To which I would respond, I hate who I am so therefore, let's just keep hitting that delete button.
I woke up crying this morning. I'd had a dream about a lost little girl. Not physically lost, but emotionally. She was so young. I could see her creamy white complexion and long chestnut colored hair. This child did the best she could in her daily life but struggled to deal with an abusive home, abusive school environment and the demons haunting her from the inside out. She had come to me for safety. As I looked down at her I realized I was staring into my own eyes, the eyes of myself as a child. That's when I woke up.
I tried to go back to the dream, refused to open my eyes to the morning. I didn't want to leave her. I wondered if I would have made a difference if I could have hugged her. Assured her that she was a good kid and that the problem lay within those around her. It seemed so much easier to say that to the child than to accept that reality as an adult.
My therapist has told me that I need to give myself the love, validation and support I never received as a child. Maybe this dream was a way of subconsciously doing that. Maybe it was acknowledgement that I did do my best, that I wasn't the horrible person I was lead to believe I was. If only the dream hadn't been cut short....
4 Comments:
to be continued?
This stuff takes time. I'm remembering shit all the time and I was only verbally abused.
Sometimes I think about ECT and if it would take the memories away. But with my luck it would take away the only good.
Thank you for checking up on me while I was gone. I'll be back soon.
Hugs,
Princess
Why is it so hard to love ourselves? Should be the easiest thing in the world.
Idea of mind being like a computer is wonderful! I never thought of that. How great would it be to just push delete and forget everything? A dream come true is what that would be.
I've been beaten down as a child and then some more.
Sometimes I think I beat myself down by destroying what good I might have embraced and then feeling unacceptable for being such a vile fuck-up.
I wish I could wipe everthing away and I'd like to be what I never could be: loveable and loving.
But I can't give love, receive love or feel good and the ugliness just keeps churning. Every so often I feel myself to be the lost, awkward, grubby, afraid, "bad" child I once was.
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