Sunday, April 02, 2006

Happily's just bullshit

I don't want to be his friend, yet I don't want to live life without him. A part of me wants to cut all ties except those that need to remain in place. The other part thinks that if only I can fortify those ties, create a stronger bond, then we'll live happily ever after. It's all just bullshit.

Is there such a thing as happily ever after? I was never one to believe in fairy tales. I didn't think there really was a Prince Charming that would come sweep me off my feet and save me from the hell I endured as a child. I didn't allow myself to dream, to hope, to expect anything from life.

Dr. Phil's question to some woman whose husband was cheating on her was "why are you letting him decide what happens with your life?" I've had that question ruminating in my mind for several days now. I refused to have sex with him this weekend because of it.

He's busy making his manic plans for his life again, things that will never come to fruition. But it's not my place to say anything. He seems to view life as if I'm just a friend with benefits. That he's single now and can spend all his non-existent money on himself. Of course there is that occasional mention of child support and how he'd love to get in the financial position to give me money.

He actually gave me $10 yesterday, saying he wanted to pay half for the jeans I had to buy the kiddie. I felt insulted by his offering. Not sure how to explain that. I guess in the grand scheme of things, of how much I've paid out in expenses of raising her, $10 seemed no more worthwhile than giving me a penny.

My head is still fucked up. The paranoid, delusional thoughts are getting worse. Brain keeps jumping all over the place. Things that should make sense don't and things that shouldn't make sense do. The latest thoughts....while at the top of the Hancock, a plane was going to crash into it. I can't turn on the new cellphone for fear that it has GPS and someone will track my every move. That all the bums on the street asking me for money were really undercover cops keeping tabs on my crazy ass.

I see the pdoc Monday. Maybe he can help. Though the paranoid thought involving him is that he wants me to get this surgery so that he can control my mind. What the fuck is happening to me????


Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I don't think happily every after exists unless TWO people consistently work on the relationship. The merging of two worlds into one relationship needs constant tending to...but it doesn't have to feel burdernsome or work-like. If two people can communicate effectively and have a loving interest in the relationship, happy can be attained. I know YOU will find it.


3:21 PM, April 02, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

I don't know, man. If I were you, I'd cut all ties with him. He hasn't done all that much to really help you and your daughter? The promises he makes sound empty, so you really can't count him, can you?

I say ignore him and continue to focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter. You two are the most important things in this world.


ps: I've had funky thoughts of harming people I talk to lately. It's kinda of freaky.

8:50 PM, April 02, 2006  
Blogger Joel said...

Quoted you here:

1:07 AM, April 03, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home